Defiler Of Dreams

 

"In recent days I have been having a dream that won't go away. At times it returns to me when I'm awake. I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds like I should be taking some pills to calm my nerves. But I decided to share it anyway.

All it is really is a dark landscape. There isn't anything on it and there isn't really any source of light to be seen. But I know it is expansive and goes as far as I can see... even though I can't see much of it. And that is how it starts...

I just stand there. I feel my body sweat. I feel my gut tense up inside me as if I'm ready to fight. But I just stand there looking out over the darkness. I'm terrified, nervous, but most of all... angry.

Then it all changes.

I hear a scream. A limb goes up somewhere in the distance. I see a hand reach up toward the blackened sky. The scream hurts my ears... it hearts my heart.

A figure rushes out of nowhere and stops right next to the hand. It peers down at the screaming figure on the ground. I can't see faces, I can't make out who is who. But in my soul I know what is about to happen. And that is when I start to yell, but nothing comes out. I want to fight. I want to pick up my weapon and rush out to the field. I want to go to war.

Then just as I feel a word, a sound, rise up in my throat the standing figure moves its arm. Pointing at the hand, the figure pauses. Everything gets really loud. Then there is a bang. Silence.

That is how the dream goes. Over and over again. From one end of the field to the next. Repeating till I wake up.

It isn't like other dreams I have. I can feel it in my bones. I can taste it. I can smell it. And yet I can't change it."

I wrote this down a few nights ago when I tried to stay awake. I knew that same dream was coming back. I could feel my soul ache as the images of that nightmare flashed behind my eyelids with every blink. It is hard to describe just what this dream means to me. Words don't seem to accurately depict the outrage, the anger, the sudden desire to fight that comes with this dream. 

Dreams like this rob me of sleep. I wake up feeling like I have been fighting, as though I have been beaten and tormented for the duration of the night. These dreams bring about the desire to act. They are motivators to fight. 

I know what I am looking at in that dream. I know the meaning it holds to me. And for the most part I know why it motivates me and terrifies me at the same time. 

Yet at the same time I have often wondered just why G-d allows these sorts of dreams to occur. And when they are persistent interruptions of our sleep, why allow that kind of deprivation? Are our dreams not supposed to be a sacred part of our rest, our peace? Or are they just another battlefield upon which we are made to fight whether we like it or not? 

I don't pretend to know the answers to these things. I don't have any advice really. All I know is that for me personally those hours of rest are precious to me. They are supposed to be separate from all the hardships of life. Or at least when I was young that was the way I saw it. 

All I know is that over the years of engaging the enemy I feel like I have aged far quicker than I would have ever liked. At times I wonder where my innocence was lost. At what point did my heart first break? 

And if it continues to break over and over again does that mean innocence was never truly lost at all? 

The only thing I can leave you with is this...

If you have these sorts of dreams, if you have these sorts of battles, take comfort in the fact that the enemy only attacks those it fears. The stronger the offensive, the more the enemy fears your potential. The longer the night, the worse the enemy fears the path G-d has set you upon. These are deterrents for the weaker hearted warriors. They are meant to set us back on the defense in the moments before we are meant to be taking to the offense. And at the same time, G-d shows us these things, allows these things, so that we are prepared for what the enemy lays out before us. 

We fight an enemy that arrogantly underestimates us. They think we are weak and worthless. They act as though we can be counted out before the fight is ever begun. Yet we are their enemy, and thus we merit their hatred. Even those of us who have not yet begun to fight are targets. 

"He makes His messengers winds, His ministers a flaming fire."

Psalm 104:4

Hiding in Foxholes

When I look out upon the world I often can't help but see a barren landscape. Looking at the people I come across in my daily life I often see the a pain they can't shake, wounds that won't heal, and troubles that simply won't pass. I see it in the way they treat the people they don't know and then how they behave with those they do. In the defenses, the paranoia, and the through the facades they build I can see the scars of a life spent fighting off the vultures.

This is a part of life in what I call "no man's land" that I never have gotten use to. The pain that floats just beneath the surface is almost palpable. When I'm around a person with especially raw wounds the pain almost has that wretched scent of gangrene. It deteriorates the very nature of it's victim. It strips away the humanity and leaves nothing for its victim to replace their loss with. In the end they are more zombie like than anything else... barely alive and yet still going through the motions.

This is what the enemy does to people. It is a tormentor that knows no limits to what agony it can inflict upon it's victims. By delivering blows that the prey can't heal on their own the enemy makes wounded animals out of human beings. They know the pain is real, they can feel the suffering in their minds and bodies, yet the wounds can't be seen. This is the slow death the enemy offers to people.

Day after day I find my foxhole to duck into. Peeking over the filthy edge all I see is a broken world all around me. The dead and dieing walk all around me. Their numbed faces fake smiles as they pass one another. But the smell of infected wounds can't be hidden. And I should know, I have plenty of my own.

Setting in my foxhole I know I have a secret. Tucked under my shirt I have a cure for my own disease. From the pages of this weapon I find strength to endure. From these living words my wounds are healed. Setting in my foxhole I know I have something I can't hide.

Looking over the ledge of my foxhole I can see in the distance another head pop up over the ledge of a distant foxhole. Through the crowd of wounded souls I can spot another person just like me peeking out over this barren wasteland. And in an instant we both duck back down and out of sight.

I look over the ledge once again, this time in another direction. Again I see another person just like me peering out from yet another foxhole. And once more we make eye contact just before ducking back down and out of sight.

Day after day I have hid in my foxhole. I have watched wounded souls wander past without giving it much thought. I all honesty it just hurt to much to look at them. But now I realize I'm not alone. Looking out of my foxhole I can see the field around me is dotted with distant foxholes. Like gophers we peek out of our little comfort zones. Day after day I had hid in my foxhole... never noticing all of them.

I know I have a weapon, a tool, a cure... and suddenly I realize so do all of those other ones just like me... hid in their foxholes. So now all I can see is a world full of people just like me. Hiding in their foxholes they hold onto the living word as they duck down and out of sight. But why? Why do we hide in our foxholes?

Now when I look out upon this world I see a landscape dotted with foxholes. And all I can think of is what it would be like if we came up... over the top... into sight... word in hand... ready to fight.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

From Hunter To The Hunted

"It is the L-rd who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

~ Deuteronomy 31:8

Often in life it feels like there are more enemies than friends. And to add to the already stressful situations we often face our friends can feel a bit like enemies. So much so in fact that we even have common sayings expressing such sentiment. It is almost enough to make even the strongest of us just decide to toss in the towel and walk away. 

For the faithful it can be even worse when we set out to follow our faith on a daily basis. We tend to surround ourselves with those of a similar mindset. Yet we are often drawn out of our comfort zones and forced into situations that rapidly become combative. And in the blink of an eye we find ourselves acting out like a scared animal... taking swipes at whomever or whatever we reach out toward. 

It is easy for us to look back on situations like these when they have passed us by. We can see the dogs for what they are. And we can see ourselves for what we had become. 

Most of the time this is the hardest part of emulating the spirit of G-d and how He would have us act. This is the part where we have to realize that we aren't always the lion we would like to imagine. This is where we have to see the fearful beast that takes over when we can't give up the fight... give up the power. 

I myself am quick to show my teeth, so to speak. Like the lion, I bristle my hair and growl. And with the noble beast's pride, I rarely back away from a fight. Its this tenacity that allows me to do the work I feel I have been given. Its this spirit that gives me the strength to deal with the work I do on Alder's Ledge (link is somewhere here on this blog). 

The down side to this is the tendency to bite and ask questions later. 

Looking back it is easy to identify when that first blow was landed. You can almost spot the very moment you make contact with the wrong person. And yet not matter how hard you wish you hadn't, you can see in that very instant when you turn a friend into a foe. Those are the moments you wish you could take back. Those are the words, the actions, and the emotions you wish you could have just had one more second to think about before they occurred. 

But the moment passes. The fight usually subsides. And the wounds often heal. 

The reason this is the hardest part of living in the way G-d has shown to us is that this is the part where we lean upon H-m. 

Given the chance to run away we often do just that. Other times we take the opportunity to open old wounds and simply fight back some more. These are such natural reactions to us that we even identify it as a the "fight or flight" response. Yet G-d calls upon us to do the most unnatural of things instead. 

Surrender. 

G-d tells us that if we surrender our own will to fight of our own strength He will provide for us and make our way in a path of H-s choosing. All we have to do is give up the power and relent the battle to H-m. This is a response that calls for a greater level of trust in H-m rather than the hope that He will forgive us later. It calls upon us to have faith that G-d will deliver justice in the end. It calls upon us to turn onto G-d what is H-s to begin with. 

The battles we often face in life are trivial. The battles we face in our spiritual life however can have ramifications of which we have no ability to fully understand. The irony is that more often than not we choose to throw in the towel and offer a few muttered words to G-d over the trivial while bullheadedly refusing to give up upon the most significant battles we face. This is how we are often lured into situations where we almost instantly go from being the hunter to being the hunted. 

As believers in G-d we are cast into a struggle not our own. We are made to fight when it is least convenient and made to stand down when we would rather not. Our enemies already know that. That is why the lure is set in the first place. That is why it is used over and over again. 

When we take to showing our teeth and preparing to fight we should readily seek G-d. Through H-s guidance we can more easily identify when the battle is of our will or of H-s. If we seek H-m first we can do less looking back upon mistakes and spend more time praising H-s name.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

~ Hebrews 4:16