A Lion's Prayer

A Personal Prayer

"But they who wait for the L-rd shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

Forgive me Abba for my sins,

for the words misspoke,

 for my excesses,

for those things I try so desperately to hide.

Take from me the chains that bind,

that hold me down,

and choke my spirit.

Heal these wounds I have spent so long licking,

the pain that binds my feet and makes me stumble, 

the lies I have told myself for so long, 

this spirit of shame that stifles my soul.

Show me the love that You have professed for me,

not with these eyes made blind by my own doing,

not with this flesh tainted by my own transgressions,

but in the spirit You have placed within me.

Let Your love open these weary eyes,

that they might see this world as You do.

Restore this scar ridden flesh,

so that it might feel Your presence around me.

Awaken this sleeping spirit, HaShem. 

Place my feet upon the path You have laid out before me,

that I might not stray from the way You have anointed with Your commandments.

Blessed are You Ad-ni, 

who has restored onto me a new spirit,

given me the will to fight,

the mind to lead,

and a heart with which to see.

Nisayon

Our Trial By Fire

נִסָּיוֹן

When people think of the mythical phoenix they often only imagine the portion of the story where the magnificent creature spreads its wings and rises from the ashes. This story of rebirth is uplifting and helps us to imagine ourselves as being able to lift ourselves out of the circumstances life brings our way. But what do we get from these stories while we are falling off our pedestals and crashing into the flames below?

Then satan answered the J-hovah, and said, "Does Job revere El-him for nothing?"

~ The Book of Job 1:9

In the midst of a trial (nisayon) we often find ourselves a bit dazed by the experience from which we should be learning. When put to the flame we turn up our own defenses and prepare to bunker down for the duration. Yet throughout the trial of Job there was a remarkable difference in his reaction to the suffering that was poured out upon him. Job didn't turn to his own resources or strength. He didn't simply wait for the trial to pass him by. Job took the opportunity to seek out the L-rd and went to prayer when many would have run away. 

As the unprovoked attacks continued the servant of G-d took to the power of prayer. But why? 

Prayer is an odd thing in our modern world. We think of it in a passive sense. As though we are simply telling G-d what to do and somehow He will listen and grant our wish. It is in this that we approach prayer as a tool to gain what we feel we are entitled to. Yet any blessings we receive are from G-d's grace and not of our own merit. So perhaps this is why we think of prayer as ineffective during times of adversity. 

When we seek G-d during these times we should first realize that we ourselves do not know why we are suffering. We must lean upon G-d for the strength to endure our pain and the understanding so that we might learn from it. That is why we pray during these times. It is with this passion that we seek G-d in our suffering so that He might lead us and guide us. 

Yet man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward. I would seek G-d, and to G-d would I commit my cause.

~ The Book of Job 5:7-8

We are promised that when we seek G-d with all our heart and soul that He will show Himself to us. In our darkest hours His presence can be brought like a burning fire into our lives so that through us He may illuminate the darkness. Yet this can only be achieved if we pray diligently for G-d to work in our lives and to lift us up and restore us. It is with this approach to prayer that we dedicate our purpose in life to the glorification of G-d rather than that of ourselves. 

So why does G-d let us suffer in the first place? Why not just allow us to learn from the joy of His love? 

How often in your life do you think of G-d when things are just consistently good? How often do you truly seek after the L-rd when you have everything you want and are pacified by the numerous blessings He has bestowed upon you? Chances are that you and I don't really seek the L-rd like we should when conditions are at their best. We simply enjoy the blessings that the L-rd has given us and somewhat selfishly become accustomed to them. 

G-d doesn't revoke His blessings to get us to turn back to Him. Though G-d is a jealous G-d, and desires our attention more than we will ever know, He doesn't need to punish us into servitude. This is a cheap excuse we tell ourselves to elude the fact that we need G-d. It is our way of elevating ourselves while diminishing the nature of G-d. 

In reality G-d allows suffering in our lives so that we might learn how to better know H-m. These trails we face in life are meant to draw us closer to H-m in ways that can't always be shown to us through the pleasurable parts of life. Without suffering we would only see one side of G-d. It is through the trials that we get a glimpse at the entirety of G-d's love for us.We learn what it means to love by H-s mercy, H-s grace, H-s compassion. None of which would be made evident to us through simply giving us everything we desire. 

Most importantly, G-d allows pain and suffering in our lives so that we might learn and grow in H-m. If we were spared the trials of life we would never be able to fulfill the great destinies that G-d created us for. Without the nisayon (trial) we would be left ill-equipped for the path that G-d has laid out before us. It is through this trial by fire that G-d makes it possible for us to rise up from the ashes like the majestic phoenix. 

For I know that my Haggo'el (Redeemer) lives, and that He shall stand at the latter day upon the earth.

~ The Book of Job 19:25

If you are going through a trial in your life know that your Haggo'el lives. Know that despite the pain that your G-d loves you with an unending passion. 

From Shalam To Shalom

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses."

~Proverbs 10:12

What does it mean for us to actually forgive others? Can we actually forgive someone without putting in real effort? Or can we forgive others without attempting to heal the wounds that they have left upon our hearts? 

With every passing relationship we have we take away more than we put into them. We gather up the lessons we have learned along the way. And with these we gather the scrapes and bruises we collected with every lesson we learned. Its up to us which one of these two that we allow to characterize the relationship we had when it has passed away. 

Then there are the fights that kill the relationship all together. If always seems that we fight dirtiest with those we love. As though the intimacy of our friendships offer some excuse to take off the gloves and really dig in our claws. And when the fighting gets even more bitter we tend to go for the throat. 

So when it is all over, the dust has settled and the battle has ended, how do we restore peace? Where does forgiveness begin for us? How do we get back what was lost? 

In Hebrew the word "shalam" can be translated to "restore" or "to make amends". It is an active process of attempting to right the wrongs we have done others or those committed against us. It means doing more than simply telling ourselves that we forgive others but to actually pursue their forgiveness both in our hearts and their heart as well. 

The process of restoring a relationship is long and difficult. It takes time and effort to mend what has been broken. Our wounds often ache most when we attempt to go back to the reasons they were put there in the first place. But without this effort, without this part of forgiveness, we loose out on the many blessing G-d has given us in the companionship of others. 

To restore something that has been lost we must first admit to ourselves just why it was lost in the first place. We must accept the blame and refuse the easy way out by simply finding the faults in others. Then once we have admitted our own guilt, we must forgive ourselves. It is this step that many overlook because we often never think about it. But a full restoration of a relationship means that all the scars must be addressed. All the baggage must be handed over to the L-rd so that He can remove it from our souls. 

It is only after we have given up our own attachments to past wounds that we can seek the forgiveness of others. 

The part of restoration that most of us stop is the part of forgiving those who have wronged us. We come up with endless reasons to keep those who have hurt us at arms length. Either they don't deserve it or they haven't "earned it". But no matter what the reason there is a lack of peace (shalom) between us due to the lack of restoration (shalam).

When we come across people who we have not truly forgiven there is the constant bristling of hairs and showing of teeth. Even at its tamest, the sense that a battle is about to break out is always present. Even when we don't realize it ourselves, the people we surround ourselves with notice it every time.

So how does one "earn" our forgiveness? And should they have to?

When we seek G-d we often find ourselves falling short of H-s commandments. The first thing we do is ask for forgiveness. At other times we might even find ways to attempt to earn the L-rd's favor in hopes that it will cover up our sins. Yet G-d tells us from the beginning that He will never leave us or forsake us. He readily seeks after us like a parent would for their lost children. And like children, there is nothing we can do to earn that love.

The L-rd shows us the greatest example of love by readily forgiving our sins. We have nothing that G-d wants from us other than our love. For this He reason the L-rd seeks to restore us to H-m. He removes from us the sins that separate us from H-s presence. Thus G-d shows us the true example of what it means to forgive and restore our relationships.

We do not earn forgiveness. Therefore we cannot expect others to earn ours. We must show the love that G-d has shown us by readily perusing the level of intimacy we had with one another before the wounds were inflicted. By doing this we allow G-d to heal the scars and restore the blessing of a friendship between us.

We can only have peace through G-d's love. And as Proverb's tells us, "love covers all offenses."

Defiler Of Dreams

 

"In recent days I have been having a dream that won't go away. At times it returns to me when I'm awake. I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds like I should be taking some pills to calm my nerves. But I decided to share it anyway.

All it is really is a dark landscape. There isn't anything on it and there isn't really any source of light to be seen. But I know it is expansive and goes as far as I can see... even though I can't see much of it. And that is how it starts...

I just stand there. I feel my body sweat. I feel my gut tense up inside me as if I'm ready to fight. But I just stand there looking out over the darkness. I'm terrified, nervous, but most of all... angry.

Then it all changes.

I hear a scream. A limb goes up somewhere in the distance. I see a hand reach up toward the blackened sky. The scream hurts my ears... it hearts my heart.

A figure rushes out of nowhere and stops right next to the hand. It peers down at the screaming figure on the ground. I can't see faces, I can't make out who is who. But in my soul I know what is about to happen. And that is when I start to yell, but nothing comes out. I want to fight. I want to pick up my weapon and rush out to the field. I want to go to war.

Then just as I feel a word, a sound, rise up in my throat the standing figure moves its arm. Pointing at the hand, the figure pauses. Everything gets really loud. Then there is a bang. Silence.

That is how the dream goes. Over and over again. From one end of the field to the next. Repeating till I wake up.

It isn't like other dreams I have. I can feel it in my bones. I can taste it. I can smell it. And yet I can't change it."

I wrote this down a few nights ago when I tried to stay awake. I knew that same dream was coming back. I could feel my soul ache as the images of that nightmare flashed behind my eyelids with every blink. It is hard to describe just what this dream means to me. Words don't seem to accurately depict the outrage, the anger, the sudden desire to fight that comes with this dream. 

Dreams like this rob me of sleep. I wake up feeling like I have been fighting, as though I have been beaten and tormented for the duration of the night. These dreams bring about the desire to act. They are motivators to fight. 

I know what I am looking at in that dream. I know the meaning it holds to me. And for the most part I know why it motivates me and terrifies me at the same time. 

Yet at the same time I have often wondered just why G-d allows these sorts of dreams to occur. And when they are persistent interruptions of our sleep, why allow that kind of deprivation? Are our dreams not supposed to be a sacred part of our rest, our peace? Or are they just another battlefield upon which we are made to fight whether we like it or not? 

I don't pretend to know the answers to these things. I don't have any advice really. All I know is that for me personally those hours of rest are precious to me. They are supposed to be separate from all the hardships of life. Or at least when I was young that was the way I saw it. 

All I know is that over the years of engaging the enemy I feel like I have aged far quicker than I would have ever liked. At times I wonder where my innocence was lost. At what point did my heart first break? 

And if it continues to break over and over again does that mean innocence was never truly lost at all? 

The only thing I can leave you with is this...

If you have these sorts of dreams, if you have these sorts of battles, take comfort in the fact that the enemy only attacks those it fears. The stronger the offensive, the more the enemy fears your potential. The longer the night, the worse the enemy fears the path G-d has set you upon. These are deterrents for the weaker hearted warriors. They are meant to set us back on the defense in the moments before we are meant to be taking to the offense. And at the same time, G-d shows us these things, allows these things, so that we are prepared for what the enemy lays out before us. 

We fight an enemy that arrogantly underestimates us. They think we are weak and worthless. They act as though we can be counted out before the fight is ever begun. Yet we are their enemy, and thus we merit their hatred. Even those of us who have not yet begun to fight are targets. 

"He makes His messengers winds, His ministers a flaming fire."

Psalm 104:4

Life On The Offense

The L-rd will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before you. They shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways. 

~ Deuteronomy 28:7

No army in all of history has ever won a war or battle by playing it safe. They never tell their leaders to just stay on the defense, to hold their ground for the duration of the war. The goal of battle is to crush your opponent. To be successful the bravery of the soldiers must be tested on the offense. The motivation that drives them must be hardened when brought under fire. And the courage of the individual must be tested against the zeal that can only be found when routing an enemy. 

For the faithful this is a test that we only dream of while we go about our daily lives. We stay within the boundaries the enemy has laid out for us. The defenses the enemy brings up to corral us into a place of starvation hinder our thirst for battle. Fear, self-doubt, and apathy keep us with our heels dug into the ground while we pretend to be bold. But G-d did not make us to simply hold our ground. 

When we have grown in our faith we are designed to seek out the enemy. When we are strong, when we are as lions, we were made to pursue the wicked. Our fangs were never met to be hid from the eyes of the enemy. Our claws were not meant to dig into the ground but rather were designed to bring down our foes. We were made to live our lives on the offense. 

It is in this that we find the strength of Ad-nai. It is the struggle that we find our purpose in life. Through the scars, the wounds, and the pain we endure we find the lessons that J-hovah has prepared for us. None of which will we learn as long as we stay idle in the face of an ever more depraved enemy. 

So what keeps us locked in place? 

Fear

Fear is a wonderful motivator. In Hebraic tradition we are commanded by G-d to fear H-m. It is a complex concept in our modern world. It is hard to understand with our ideas of what fear is meant to be and what we feel it actually is.

The fear of the L-rd is that of respect. It is a fear that cultivates both love and reverence for the L-rd who provides for us and guides us. This fear allows us to connect with the principles the L-rd has laid out for us in H-s commandments. It helps remind us when we are going against the way the L-rd has laid out for us. It helps to keep us on the path that G-d has set before us. This is the fear that G-d has commanded of us. 

The difficulty is in the understanding that fear of G-d is not a fear of H-s wrath or anger but rather a fear of being separated from H-m. It is this fear that we often first associate with our parents when we are young. This is the fear we first feel when we find ourselves lost and without help. For most it is that moment when we run ahead of our parents or get lost in a crowd and turn around to find we are all alone. 

It is this same fear that the enemy tries to use against us. Through perversions of the same fear that G-d has instructed of us the enemy is able to put many back on the defense. Thus the fear we were instructed to hold, the only fear we were ever meant to have, is used against us. 

For others there is the fear of being cut off and surrounded. This fear arises often when we have already gone into battle against the enemy time and time again. We are given this fear through experiences from which we may not have learned the lessons G-d tried to show us. All we see is the supposed fact that our fellow faithful comrades dropped back and left us stranded. This is the fear of outrunning our supply lines, of being out gunned and out classed.

They surrounded me like bees; they went out like a fire among thorns; in the name of the L-rd I cut them off! I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the L-rd helped me.

~ Psalms 118:12-13

Yet G-d reminds us in Psalms 118:12-13 that wherever we go, not matter how contentious the battle, our S-vior is forever faithful. There is no point in our lives that G-d will ever forsake us or abandon us. It is only the deceiver who whispers these things in our ear. It is the enemy who tells us to give up and surrender our faith. 

It was in our L-rd's infinite wisdom that He instructed us to fear H-m and H-m alone. If we truly fear the L-rd we can fully trust that He will be with us. It is in this that we find our strength to endure. It is the fear of G-d that we find the ability to cast off the fears the enemy lays before us.

Doubt 

When we first are faced with the daunting reality of spiritual battle we can often become overwhelmed with doubts. In moments of adversity we begin to doubt our purpose in this battle. We begin to question why we ever set out to meet the enemy in the first place. It is in these moments that we are told the lie that it would be better to break and run than to endure the battle. 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the L-rd, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart. 

~Jeremiah 28:11-13

In battle doubt it deadly. It leaves us vulnerable on all flanks. We can neither retreat nor advance when we are overcome with doubt. In this aspect it leaves the combatant paralyzed. It is for this reason the enemy wields this weapon against us so readily. For we face an enemy that does not simply want to push us back and reclaim the ground or win the day, we face an enemy that seeks to destroy us entirely. 

Thus G-d persistently tries to reassure us of H-s faithfulness. In Jeremiah chapter 28 the L-rd boldly tells us that He (and He alone) knows the plans that have been made for us. In H-s love for us He has made a future for us filled with glory. And in H-s ever present grace, the L-rd has given us hope when we feel hopeless. 

The only thing G-d ask of us is that we seek H-m with all our heart and soul. It is through this that we will be able to cast aside our doubts and see the path that He has made for us. Through our dedication to the L-rd we have been given a way to persevere in the face of adversity. We can in this set aside our inadequacies and surrender our self-doubt. For our L-rd goes before us like a raging wind before the storm. 

Apathy 

Faith is much like a plant in many ways. It needs to be replenished by a living water. It must be given the light to grow. And when neglected it slowly dies, wilting leaf by leaf till all that is left is a weak and fragile shell of what once was. For this apathy in faith is much like the autumn... a slow decay of what spring had brought forth. 

When warriors of the L-rd are apathetic they loose their fighting edge. We tend not to realize that we are constantly engaged with a foe that never relents. While we let the decay set in the enemy waits. While our weapons rust and our defenses are cast aside, the enemy waits. It is when the vitality of our faith has decayed till it can be sustained no more that the enemy launches its blitz against the apathetic followers of the L-rd. 

In reality the lack of sustaining our faith comes from the lack of seeking G-d's presence in our lives. In doing this we barely even live a life on the defense but rather set out the battle all together. Without engaging our faith by maintaining our relationship with G-d we cheapen our own purpose in life. 

The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the L-rd lack no good thing. 

~Psalm 34:10

When we refuse to seek the L-rd we find ourselves hungry. Our spirit is filled with want and desire for the L-rd. It is in our very nature that we need G-d in our lives. Thus the root of just why apathy is so fatal to faith. Without G-d's presence, without the source of our lifeblood, we turn to other sources to fill the desperate desire that is left within our souls. 

For this the slow death of apathy takes us off the battlefield and places us in captivity. It chains us to cheap idols and sinful delights that last but for a season. For many it is often only when the pain of a spiritual death finally sets in that they realize just how far they have gone astray. And it is by this point that the enemy reinforces the suffering of apathy with doubt and fear. 

O G-d, you are my G-d; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 

~Psalm 63:1

If we are to live our lives on the offense we must first learn to overcome the snares of fear, doubt, and apathy. We must learn to seek our L-rd constantly and to follow where He leads us. We must be bold in our faith and learn to feed off the blessings of G-d. We must quench our thirst with H-s word and stifle our hunger with H-s fellowship. All of which the L-rd has promised H-s faithful if they will simply seek the L-rd with all their heart, mind, and soul. 

For those on the offense...

Let us not be weary for the L-rd our G-d is our strength, our savior, and our redeemer.

My Own Dreams Of My Father

My father has always had a voice that could travel right through the thickest of walls. That low tone could slip through the cracks in those old wood floors no matter how gently he was speaking. Even a groan or sigh as he woke up in the morning would carry right up the stairs and through the door to where I slept. It was one of those timeless things in my memory that no matter how old I get I will never forget. That feeling of waking up and knowing that my dad was still there.

See, the father I grew up wasn't the one I was born with. My biological father, as we learned to refer to him as, discarded me like he did with most everything and anyone. That was a wound that took years to heal. See, the father I grew up with was the one that I heard when I woke up in the morning, the man I heard when I fell asleep at night.

I remember rolling over in bed in the morning and hearing the most beautiful thing in the world. It wasn't the birds outside or the sounds of the world beginning to wake up alongside me. The most beautiful thing I could ever hear was the sound of my father as he woke up the world, my world. Because every morning I would roll over and hear him as he got up and did the most wonderful thing a father could do...

My mornings began with listening in on my father's prayers. I would listen to him pray for everyone in the world it seemed. Yet I was only awake for one reason. It wasn't the fact that his voice was so strong that I could imagine it rattling the windows and shaking the floor itself. No, I was waiting. I was waiting to hear my father's voice as he prayed over me.

There was such a passion in his voice. I could hear his soul in those words as he prayed over me with the start of every morning. I could feel his love through the sound of his voice. And for a boy who had experienced the rejection of a person who was supposed to love me no matter what; that was heaven on earth. It was in those moments I knew I had a father. I knew that my father was praying for me to my Abba... my G-d.

Now that I'm grown and on my own I still roll over in the morning and dream of hearing my father lifting me up in his prayers. The sound of my father's voice still wakes me up. No matter how far away, no matter where I have gone or where I'm going, my father's prayers still echo in my ears. That love, the love that healed my childhood wounds, it still lives in my heart to this very day.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

My father may not have known that I was listening to those words in the early morning hours. He may have not known that in his devotion he was showing me how I should live. His compassion, his empathy, his love for others; all of these things he was sowing in my heart and soul. His faith was being passed along. And though both of us have had our battles to hold onto our faith, the resolve that he was showing in those moments of dedication was passed down along with his words. 

In the smallest of moments, in the times when we think we are alone, we are often affecting the lives of others in ways we will never know. My father's morning prayers were those small moments that turned into most momentous of times in my life. And though they were done in the hours just before the light of day, those prayers ushered out the darkness of night in my young life. Those words set me on the path that has carried me to this day. 

In Proverbs G-d shows us that we are to train up our children in H-s way. This means that even in those times when we don't think we are being watched, listened to, or looked up at... we are meant to take these small and fleeting moments to continue that training. It is in these moments that we can either be a hindrance or a blessing. And no matter which one we choose the results will be without measure. The affect we have on the future is after all recorded by the lives our children and their children carry forth long after we ourselves are long gone.

Hiding in Foxholes

When I look out upon the world I often can't help but see a barren landscape. Looking at the people I come across in my daily life I often see the a pain they can't shake, wounds that won't heal, and troubles that simply won't pass. I see it in the way they treat the people they don't know and then how they behave with those they do. In the defenses, the paranoia, and the through the facades they build I can see the scars of a life spent fighting off the vultures.

This is a part of life in what I call "no man's land" that I never have gotten use to. The pain that floats just beneath the surface is almost palpable. When I'm around a person with especially raw wounds the pain almost has that wretched scent of gangrene. It deteriorates the very nature of it's victim. It strips away the humanity and leaves nothing for its victim to replace their loss with. In the end they are more zombie like than anything else... barely alive and yet still going through the motions.

This is what the enemy does to people. It is a tormentor that knows no limits to what agony it can inflict upon it's victims. By delivering blows that the prey can't heal on their own the enemy makes wounded animals out of human beings. They know the pain is real, they can feel the suffering in their minds and bodies, yet the wounds can't be seen. This is the slow death the enemy offers to people.

Day after day I find my foxhole to duck into. Peeking over the filthy edge all I see is a broken world all around me. The dead and dieing walk all around me. Their numbed faces fake smiles as they pass one another. But the smell of infected wounds can't be hidden. And I should know, I have plenty of my own.

Setting in my foxhole I know I have a secret. Tucked under my shirt I have a cure for my own disease. From the pages of this weapon I find strength to endure. From these living words my wounds are healed. Setting in my foxhole I know I have something I can't hide.

Looking over the ledge of my foxhole I can see in the distance another head pop up over the ledge of a distant foxhole. Through the crowd of wounded souls I can spot another person just like me peeking out over this barren wasteland. And in an instant we both duck back down and out of sight.

I look over the ledge once again, this time in another direction. Again I see another person just like me peering out from yet another foxhole. And once more we make eye contact just before ducking back down and out of sight.

Day after day I have hid in my foxhole. I have watched wounded souls wander past without giving it much thought. I all honesty it just hurt to much to look at them. But now I realize I'm not alone. Looking out of my foxhole I can see the field around me is dotted with distant foxholes. Like gophers we peek out of our little comfort zones. Day after day I had hid in my foxhole... never noticing all of them.

I know I have a weapon, a tool, a cure... and suddenly I realize so do all of those other ones just like me... hid in their foxholes. So now all I can see is a world full of people just like me. Hiding in their foxholes they hold onto the living word as they duck down and out of sight. But why? Why do we hide in our foxholes?

Now when I look out upon this world I see a landscape dotted with foxholes. And all I can think of is what it would be like if we came up... over the top... into sight... word in hand... ready to fight.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

Surrounded By Hyenas

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the J-hovah El-him He it is that does go with you; He will not fail you, nor forsake you."

~ Deuteronomy 31:6

As believers in G-d we often picture ourselves as coming under attack when we meet resistance in our walk with the L-rd. We accredit this challenge to our faith to an enemy that is relentless in its attempts to lay siege to us personally. And though there might be some truth to this natural reaction there may also be more to the battles we face than we first realize. 

If we are truly living as G-d commands us to there will certainly be obstacles to overcome in our own lives. Habits that we form and the ways we might desire to conduct ourselves may be contradictory to the habits and lifestyle G-d's commandments lay out for us. Yet rarely do we consider this a part of some exterior force attempting to bombard us. It is mainly when we step outside our own walk with the L-rd that the enemy appears to attack. 

And that is where our liberation from sin begins to threaten the captivity of others. Once we begin to grow beyond our own personal relationship with G-d and begin to influence others (either directly or indirectly) we step out onto a field of battle. Most of the time, we do so without really knowing that we are. 

The enemy has laid claim to the very ground upon which we stand. Even more importantly it has claimed the lives of all that walk upon the earth for its own devious intentions. Just as it has been made miserable it too intends to inflict the same wretched bareness upon the ground and all living upon it. By doing so the enemy seeks to destroy the souls of its victims through the current captivity and eventually the eternal separation of that soul from G-d.

When the followers of G-d step out onto this territory they become invaders. Those who intentionally decide to stay become occupiers. And those who move further out into the enemies territory become conquerors. All of which must be dealt with. Their advance must be stopped and the occupation must be ended. For this is an enemy that can not and will not give an inch let alone bear to loose a captive soul. 

During the adolescence of a male lion the young male reaches a point where it must move on. The desire to claim new territory is inherit in the young lion. But most of all, the young male needs a pride... he needs an army of souls. 

There are only two ways a young lion can achieve the goal of forming a pride. He can either challenge and kill an existing male lion who has his own pride. Or he can set out and find a start a new one of his own. 

The second way of forming a pride is hard. A lion without a pride is doomed to starvation or at best a life on the brink of it. Hyenas and jackals rarely challenge a pride of lions openly and aggressively. Yet a lone lion is fair game even for the lowest of predators. The lone lion can't defend itself effectively. He is simply a loose end that nature finds a way to finish off. 

And yet G-d calls his followers to set out into the enemy's territory and form one pride after another. At times he even calls upon us to do so even when we feel like lone lions. Yet even as it appears the odds are stacked against us and the enemy is closing in from every angle, G-d prepares the field and snatches us from the jaws of defeat only to hand us the victory. 

These are the times when we shouldn't look at ourselves as the victims of siege but rather the aggressors routing the defenders and claiming new ground. For even when we least expect it, when we think that nobody is looking, we are often liberating the lives of fellow captives. By living as G-d has directed us to, we can set others free from the suffering to which we too were once bound. 

"The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them has the light shined."

~ Isaiah 9:2

The Toothless Lion

"For when for the time you ought to be teachers, you have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of G-d; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat.

"For every one that uses milk is unskillful in the word of the righteousness: for he is as a babe.

"But strong meat belongs to them that are full of age, even those who by reason of use have the senses exercised to discern both good and evil."

~ Hebrews 5:12-14

When we first start our journey in our faith the L-rd describes us as babes, mere infants, that He wishes to raise up on H-s words and wisdom. In this aspect we are nurtured by our G-d on H-s milk so that one day we might mature into the mighty warriors he created us to be. This is a phase in our journey that is precious and vital to our spiritual well-being. It is a bonding period that binds our soul to the very heart of G-d. But it was never meant to last forever. 

At some point we are meant to grow into the lions G-d has shaped us into. Our manes grow out, our muscles are made strong, and our teeth appear. All of this is made possible by the milk of G-d's word. Yet none of these aspects of maturity can be sustained by milk alone. 

Like lions, we go through the phase of "cutting our teeth". We make mistakes and get to anxious to move onto the meat. At times we are just to eager and hit the ground running in whichever given direction. And for the most part, these mishaps are easily corrected and we get back on course and follow in our L-rd's footsteps once again. 

But for some of us these little errors in judgement are enough to make them turn away from the next phase or leave their faith all together. When it comes time to use their teeth they simply reject the premiss all together. For others the very idea of moving on from the milk phase is just too great a step for them to take. Instead of maturing in their faith they seem more content to stay an infant for the rest of time. In either case the end result is always the same. 

Starvation. 

A lion without its teeth is doomed. Without the ability to accept ourselves for what G-d has made us and is shaping us into leaves us toothless. And in our spiritual lives there is no such thing as stagnation. There is only growth and starvation. 

The soul of man was made to seek after its Cr-ator. To do this it has to be able to grow beyond simply knowing that G-d exist. It needs to know the love of G-d. And after that it yearns to know every other aspect of G-d. If it is cut off from learning, from growing, it starts to retreat. The passion our souls naturally posses for G-d mirrors the passion G-d posses for us. 

Once we learn to accept the challenges laid before us and learn to accept both our failures and defeats, we learn what it means to cut our teeth. From that point on the meat of G-d is our persistent "hunt" for H-m... our seeking after H-s presence, H-s word, and H-s heart. Once we learn how to do this we learn what it means to truly never be 'hungry' again. 

"The young lions do lack, and suffer from hunger: but they that seek the J-hovah shall not want any good thing."

~ Psalm 34:10

Broken Arrow

"The J-hovah shall cause your enemies that rise up against you to be smitten before your face; they shall come out against you one way, and flee before you seven ways."

~ Deuteronomy 28:7

The Blessing of Obedience

I was once told by a very close friend that I'm a lot like a dog on a short leash, just tugging at the slack waiting for the M-ster to release H-s grip. At first that sounded rather nice. But the more I thought about it... well that was when the truth of the matter came to the surface. 

A hunting dog is eager to please the hunter. It wants more than anything to be able to let out that howl that signals his master to the object of his owner's fixation. Yet in this sense of duty there comes a time when even the best dog trees the wrong prey or corners an animal bigger and meaner than he alone can hold. While the dog wants to be obedient, even the best intentions can lead the dog astray. 

That is why I had to take a moment and think about what it really meant to be that hound tugging and jerking at my leash. Sure it was nice to think of myself as all those things that seem masculine and powerful... tenacity, bravery, fierce, bold, dedicated... It was another thing to have to think of myself as the less pleasant aspects of being that same animal... immature, over eager, rebellious, and at times... disobedient.

Once the dog's leash is dropped the hound takes up the hunt. Like a lightning bolt, the dog springs forth with his nose to the air and his muscles fueled by anticipation. That is what it often feels like when we set out to fulfill the commandments our G-d has laid out of us. We are so eager to fulfill our task... our mission... our job. 

Whenever and wherever the faithful set out to take to the field so as to please their master another beast rises up to meet them. The enemy of our G-d claims the soil, the land, and all that dwells upon it. It is only natural to them that they should defend it, and defend it mercilessly. But when we set out like the hound to the hunt we are often not even thinking about this. Instead we take off almost blind to the reality of what we are doing. We don't see the battle, we don't think about the war... we just want to complete our task.

In the field we meet them. Upon the field we are engaged in ways that we never expect. We are turned from the hounds of the hunt to the dogs of war. And in an instant we find ourselves surrounded. For the faithful this is a reality that is often overlooked by the young, the immature, the bold and brazen followers of a faith they have not yet fully come to understand. 

It is in this moment that we make decisions that will either win or lose the day. It is in the first moments of battle that we either decide to take up the role of conquers or simply hold the line. Once this moment has passed we can no longer decide to disengage or break off the chase. Once we have taken to the field there is no retreat. 

One decision seems to prevail more often than not. This is the decision to muscle our way through the fight. We take up our own shields and rely upon our own muscle. We don't realize that the enemy is a liar and hides from us the reality of what we are up against. When we advance upon our own might we are lured into a fight we alone can not win. By digging our own foxholes we often dig our own graves. 

We were never meant to fight alone. This decision is disobedient. It is a decision to chase after a scent that we were not sent out after. It is the lure that leads us astray. It is the best defense the enemy has.

"The J-hovah shall cause you to be smitten before your enemies; you shall go out one way against them, and flee seven ways before them; and shall be removed into all the kingdoms of the earth."

~ Deuteronomy 28:25

The Results of Disobedience 

Cut off, surrounded... 

In the Torah we are reminded that we do not fight against flesh and blood. We are told that we fight against the spirit of evil and the presence of darkness all around us. We are meant to be light onto the world. So when we attempt to take the L-ght out into the darkness it would seem natural that the darkness would flee before It. However when we go out unprepared or for our own glory we often find that the darkness is ready to fight back. 

But there is a way to find our way back to the L-ght without showing our backs to the enemy. There is a way off the battle field.

The immature dog will give a call that he has cornered his prey when he has not. The trained hunter will not respond till the dog has completed his job however. There is a difference in our tone when we are out doing the task G-d has given us and when we are simply pretending. Yet when the dog gives out a call for help, when the dog finally admits that he isn't able to fight the beast he has encountered, the M-ster always comes running. 

Once engaged the enemy will not relent. It is a merciless foe that knows our weaknesses and exploits them at every opportunity. The amazing part is just how long we are willing to fight these attacks all by ourselves before we are finally pushed to the point where we simply surrender. 

Some hunting dogs will give the call for help sooner than others. Some will come face to face with the meanest lion and still not back down. And tragically, some will never call for help.

All we have to do when we find ourselves here is fall down and surrender. Not to our enemy. Not the evil we have encountered. But to the Creat-r of life, the M-ster that sent us out to the field to work. We simply have to be prepared to admit when we are out matched and especially when we have gone off course. It is in these moments that G-d wants to teach us things we may never have learned without the fight... without the thrill of the hunt. After all, G-d pursues us far more eagerly as we pursue H-m. And He never wants us to be left upon the field alone and cut off. 

The greatest sense of obedience is the willingness to admit that we need H-m. We were always meant to need the warmth of the love our Abba bears for us. Even when the leash feels like it has been dropped, even when the thrill of the hunt has passed, we will always need H-s guidance... H-s mercy... H-s love.

From Hunter To The Hunted

"It is the L-rd who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

~ Deuteronomy 31:8

Often in life it feels like there are more enemies than friends. And to add to the already stressful situations we often face our friends can feel a bit like enemies. So much so in fact that we even have common sayings expressing such sentiment. It is almost enough to make even the strongest of us just decide to toss in the towel and walk away. 

For the faithful it can be even worse when we set out to follow our faith on a daily basis. We tend to surround ourselves with those of a similar mindset. Yet we are often drawn out of our comfort zones and forced into situations that rapidly become combative. And in the blink of an eye we find ourselves acting out like a scared animal... taking swipes at whomever or whatever we reach out toward. 

It is easy for us to look back on situations like these when they have passed us by. We can see the dogs for what they are. And we can see ourselves for what we had become. 

Most of the time this is the hardest part of emulating the spirit of G-d and how He would have us act. This is the part where we have to realize that we aren't always the lion we would like to imagine. This is where we have to see the fearful beast that takes over when we can't give up the fight... give up the power. 

I myself am quick to show my teeth, so to speak. Like the lion, I bristle my hair and growl. And with the noble beast's pride, I rarely back away from a fight. Its this tenacity that allows me to do the work I feel I have been given. Its this spirit that gives me the strength to deal with the work I do on Alder's Ledge (link is somewhere here on this blog). 

The down side to this is the tendency to bite and ask questions later. 

Looking back it is easy to identify when that first blow was landed. You can almost spot the very moment you make contact with the wrong person. And yet not matter how hard you wish you hadn't, you can see in that very instant when you turn a friend into a foe. Those are the moments you wish you could take back. Those are the words, the actions, and the emotions you wish you could have just had one more second to think about before they occurred. 

But the moment passes. The fight usually subsides. And the wounds often heal. 

The reason this is the hardest part of living in the way G-d has shown to us is that this is the part where we lean upon H-m. 

Given the chance to run away we often do just that. Other times we take the opportunity to open old wounds and simply fight back some more. These are such natural reactions to us that we even identify it as a the "fight or flight" response. Yet G-d calls upon us to do the most unnatural of things instead. 

Surrender. 

G-d tells us that if we surrender our own will to fight of our own strength He will provide for us and make our way in a path of H-s choosing. All we have to do is give up the power and relent the battle to H-m. This is a response that calls for a greater level of trust in H-m rather than the hope that He will forgive us later. It calls upon us to have faith that G-d will deliver justice in the end. It calls upon us to turn onto G-d what is H-s to begin with. 

The battles we often face in life are trivial. The battles we face in our spiritual life however can have ramifications of which we have no ability to fully understand. The irony is that more often than not we choose to throw in the towel and offer a few muttered words to G-d over the trivial while bullheadedly refusing to give up upon the most significant battles we face. This is how we are often lured into situations where we almost instantly go from being the hunter to being the hunted. 

As believers in G-d we are cast into a struggle not our own. We are made to fight when it is least convenient and made to stand down when we would rather not. Our enemies already know that. That is why the lure is set in the first place. That is why it is used over and over again. 

When we take to showing our teeth and preparing to fight we should readily seek G-d. Through H-s guidance we can more easily identify when the battle is of our will or of H-s. If we seek H-m first we can do less looking back upon mistakes and spend more time praising H-s name.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

~ Hebrews 4:16

The Wandering Lion

 
"The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion."

~ Proverbs 28:1

Going through my daily life it is hard at times to remember just how and for what purpose G-d has made me. At times I often do feel like a lion, if all be it one caged in a circus just waiting to escape. My soul seems to pace back and forth within its confines waiting to be set free. Like the panting lions staring back from between the bars, my heart hungers for what is on the other side. 

This need to be free is the most natural of desires mankind has. It is the state of man to pursue his liberties without relenting. We were made with this hunger that even the largest of enclosures can not subdue. For even in the best and most well kept cages we still linger at the gate. Our hearts still seek what is kept just beyond our reach. 

In religion of any form this natural inclination is almost immediately put into conflict with our understanding of G-d's will. Whether we are given 10 commandments or 613, a part of our being seeks to reach beyond those confines and test the bars which hold us in. For some of us, perhaps, just knowing the limits set for us is enough to accept our perceived captivity. For others it becomes a game of sorts to see just how far over the line we can step before having to hop back over to the other side.

This is where I have found it difficult to accept myself as a lion in captivity but rather a wandering "lion amongst the beasts of the forest" (Micah 5:8). I know my G-d made me free from my first breath. I follow H-s commandments as a form of praise and thankfulness for all G-d has bestowed upon me. 

And yet far to often that is how I see my fellow believers viewing their faith. As though the word of the L-rd is a barrier... a prison of their own making. And for all their roaring and all their saber rattling, they are just lions pacing the lengths of their cage. 

Life in of itself has a way of making us feel as though we are that lion trapped and confined. Whether it be to our job, our responsibilities, or those things we would rather keep secret. Our day to day life has a way of shackling us and tossing us behind rusted bars. 

Our faith should not. 

G-d has made each of us capable of being mighty lions. We were created in H-s image. We were made to display H-s love, mercy, compassion, justice, and yes... even his anger. We were not meant to flee before the presence of our enemy but rather to stand firm like the noble beasts we are. 

When faced with evil we should be able to display to others all the aspects of our G-d. We should be able to show even the worst of men the love and mercy that G-d has given onto us. And with an honest heart and compassionate tongue, we should be able to convey G-d's anger when we find evil amongst our own. 

Yet far to often these aspects of being "amongst the righteous" are lost. And at times it feels more like we are nothing more than jackals rather than lions. At times we are more prone to cannibalism rather than accountability. And more tragically, we often find ourselves with far less a compassionate heart for the sinner and more apt to anger for the sin itself. 

In the end however I would wish it could be said of me, and those I love, that we were as lions when confronted with evil. That we stood before our enemy and bore our claws and showed our teeth not for our own salvation but so that others might live.