From Shalam To Shalom

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses."

~Proverbs 10:12

What does it mean for us to actually forgive others? Can we actually forgive someone without putting in real effort? Or can we forgive others without attempting to heal the wounds that they have left upon our hearts? 

With every passing relationship we have we take away more than we put into them. We gather up the lessons we have learned along the way. And with these we gather the scrapes and bruises we collected with every lesson we learned. Its up to us which one of these two that we allow to characterize the relationship we had when it has passed away. 

Then there are the fights that kill the relationship all together. If always seems that we fight dirtiest with those we love. As though the intimacy of our friendships offer some excuse to take off the gloves and really dig in our claws. And when the fighting gets even more bitter we tend to go for the throat. 

So when it is all over, the dust has settled and the battle has ended, how do we restore peace? Where does forgiveness begin for us? How do we get back what was lost? 

In Hebrew the word "shalam" can be translated to "restore" or "to make amends". It is an active process of attempting to right the wrongs we have done others or those committed against us. It means doing more than simply telling ourselves that we forgive others but to actually pursue their forgiveness both in our hearts and their heart as well. 

The process of restoring a relationship is long and difficult. It takes time and effort to mend what has been broken. Our wounds often ache most when we attempt to go back to the reasons they were put there in the first place. But without this effort, without this part of forgiveness, we loose out on the many blessing G-d has given us in the companionship of others. 

To restore something that has been lost we must first admit to ourselves just why it was lost in the first place. We must accept the blame and refuse the easy way out by simply finding the faults in others. Then once we have admitted our own guilt, we must forgive ourselves. It is this step that many overlook because we often never think about it. But a full restoration of a relationship means that all the scars must be addressed. All the baggage must be handed over to the L-rd so that He can remove it from our souls. 

It is only after we have given up our own attachments to past wounds that we can seek the forgiveness of others. 

The part of restoration that most of us stop is the part of forgiving those who have wronged us. We come up with endless reasons to keep those who have hurt us at arms length. Either they don't deserve it or they haven't "earned it". But no matter what the reason there is a lack of peace (shalom) between us due to the lack of restoration (shalam).

When we come across people who we have not truly forgiven there is the constant bristling of hairs and showing of teeth. Even at its tamest, the sense that a battle is about to break out is always present. Even when we don't realize it ourselves, the people we surround ourselves with notice it every time.

So how does one "earn" our forgiveness? And should they have to?

When we seek G-d we often find ourselves falling short of H-s commandments. The first thing we do is ask for forgiveness. At other times we might even find ways to attempt to earn the L-rd's favor in hopes that it will cover up our sins. Yet G-d tells us from the beginning that He will never leave us or forsake us. He readily seeks after us like a parent would for their lost children. And like children, there is nothing we can do to earn that love.

The L-rd shows us the greatest example of love by readily forgiving our sins. We have nothing that G-d wants from us other than our love. For this He reason the L-rd seeks to restore us to H-m. He removes from us the sins that separate us from H-s presence. Thus G-d shows us the true example of what it means to forgive and restore our relationships.

We do not earn forgiveness. Therefore we cannot expect others to earn ours. We must show the love that G-d has shown us by readily perusing the level of intimacy we had with one another before the wounds were inflicted. By doing this we allow G-d to heal the scars and restore the blessing of a friendship between us.

We can only have peace through G-d's love. And as Proverb's tells us, "love covers all offenses."