Quantifying Love

Self-worth And Affection

In every relationship you will ever have there will at some point be a sense of bartering between the conscious decision to either love or tolerate the other person. These moments arrive to us through the countless hardships and challenges life brings our way. Some relationships will falter where others will soar. And in those moments we will either decide the value of those relationships by revering their worth or devaluing them within our hearts.

So why do we love others and yet find ourselves in a position where love seems to fail?

For me the question has always been more about why others could ever really love me...

From birth we start out a blank slate. Every idea of what love is and what it will ever mean to us is written upon our souls and upon our flesh from that first breath. Infants who experience love from the womb show that they expect it upon arrival. Their desire to cling to the woman who carried them all those months is evident not only in their helplessness but in their desire for that affection. Separation becomes more agonizing than hunger itself. This is for many the first inclination, despite never registering in our memories, of what love will mean for us.

But what if love was refused to us from those early stages? What if the person we were meant to cling to offered nothing but hatred from the start?

For me that came from my father. One of the few people I came into this world seemingly believing was supposed to offer me love and comfort and yet what I received was absolute abhorrence. Where gentle words could had soothed the pain inflicted by his own hand, I was guided toward a view of myself that lingers to this day.

Life isn't fair.

The fairy tales better fathers would had offered didn't happen for me. The happy ever after was hidden beneath bruises and scars that time itself dared not heal. What view I was given of myself was that of worthlessness and helplessness. Through hedonistic barbarism I was given a standard against which I was to judge myself, and all because at that age I couldn't had known it was wrong.

For others this standard against which we measure ourselves arrives to us in much the same way. Through it may not had been through that exact method, we obtain a view of ourselves by how those we love reflect it upon us. Their every action, every misspoken word, these are the things that build up a chart in our mind that tells us from that point forward just how worthy of love we really are. It doesn't matter that this standard set for us is flawed... it only matters to us because at that moment it is the only one we have got.

Moving forward in life becomes like navigating our way through a battlefield. For me it was one long path of trying to make sure other people, no matter how much I loved them, couldn't hurt me like that again. This was often achieved by simply reminding myself that if the one man who should had loved me from the start couldn't... nobody else ever would.

Over the years this scar claimed relationship after relationship. It's appetite for self-preservation was insatiable. Whenever someone would approach that point that little prick in my side would arise. The scars, the bruises, every drop of blood spilled... All of this came to the surface and the desire to shut down became so pronounced that it could not be denied.

Friends, family; nobody is safe when those defenses come shooting to the surface. The most simple of triggers can cause the walls to rise up so quickly that we assume there was a clean break. Yet on the other side we leave someone dazed and confused as we close our eyes and wish them away.

So what happens when someone doesn't go away?

Within our souls we have measured our own worth. We know what we feel we are worth and how much love we can accept from another. It such a deeply embedded logic, yet so illogically based, that when it is questioned the world seems to near collapse all around us.

When a person decides to push against our walls we become combative. The defenses we cherish are in danger. The attacker is irrational in our view as they somehow cannot see how misguided we believe their advances to be. We see ourselves as the untouchables and yet here is this person trying to reach over our walls and place themselves where only those scars remain.

No matter how guarded we are, no matter how many defenses we have erected, there will be this person who does not allow their love to be so easily refused. They see us in a way that we cannot see ourselves. They look beyond this standard we have for so long compared ourselves to. And in it's place they have drawn a new standard for us that reflects not the scars that have defined us, but rather what we could be... what we should have always been.

If we are lucky, if we can lower our walls just a little, we can feel the warmth of another's love without holding our own hearts in reserve. But for this to happen we must first allow ourselves to release our sense of self worth from the standard someone else has cast for us. We must break our attachment to the pain that has bound us and restricted us. We must allow the love of another to break down our guards and touch the scars we have clung to for so long.

This isn't something that happens over night. The reason for those scars must be addressed and the pain they cause must be released. The wounds that were left upon us by others may never truly heal and the pain may reappear from time to time. But if, and only when, we accept that we are worthy of the love of another... that is when the pain these scars bring can finally be eased. The torment these scars have created can finally be soothed as we allow this love to lift us beyond the prison they have created for us.

"Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other."

Psalm 85:10

Nisayon

Our Trial By Fire

נִסָּיוֹן

When people think of the mythical phoenix they often only imagine the portion of the story where the magnificent creature spreads its wings and rises from the ashes. This story of rebirth is uplifting and helps us to imagine ourselves as being able to lift ourselves out of the circumstances life brings our way. But what do we get from these stories while we are falling off our pedestals and crashing into the flames below?

Then satan answered the J-hovah, and said, "Does Job revere El-him for nothing?"

~ The Book of Job 1:9

In the midst of a trial (nisayon) we often find ourselves a bit dazed by the experience from which we should be learning. When put to the flame we turn up our own defenses and prepare to bunker down for the duration. Yet throughout the trial of Job there was a remarkable difference in his reaction to the suffering that was poured out upon him. Job didn't turn to his own resources or strength. He didn't simply wait for the trial to pass him by. Job took the opportunity to seek out the L-rd and went to prayer when many would have run away. 

As the unprovoked attacks continued the servant of G-d took to the power of prayer. But why? 

Prayer is an odd thing in our modern world. We think of it in a passive sense. As though we are simply telling G-d what to do and somehow He will listen and grant our wish. It is in this that we approach prayer as a tool to gain what we feel we are entitled to. Yet any blessings we receive are from G-d's grace and not of our own merit. So perhaps this is why we think of prayer as ineffective during times of adversity. 

When we seek G-d during these times we should first realize that we ourselves do not know why we are suffering. We must lean upon G-d for the strength to endure our pain and the understanding so that we might learn from it. That is why we pray during these times. It is with this passion that we seek G-d in our suffering so that He might lead us and guide us. 

Yet man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward. I would seek G-d, and to G-d would I commit my cause.

~ The Book of Job 5:7-8

We are promised that when we seek G-d with all our heart and soul that He will show Himself to us. In our darkest hours His presence can be brought like a burning fire into our lives so that through us He may illuminate the darkness. Yet this can only be achieved if we pray diligently for G-d to work in our lives and to lift us up and restore us. It is with this approach to prayer that we dedicate our purpose in life to the glorification of G-d rather than that of ourselves. 

So why does G-d let us suffer in the first place? Why not just allow us to learn from the joy of His love? 

How often in your life do you think of G-d when things are just consistently good? How often do you truly seek after the L-rd when you have everything you want and are pacified by the numerous blessings He has bestowed upon you? Chances are that you and I don't really seek the L-rd like we should when conditions are at their best. We simply enjoy the blessings that the L-rd has given us and somewhat selfishly become accustomed to them. 

G-d doesn't revoke His blessings to get us to turn back to Him. Though G-d is a jealous G-d, and desires our attention more than we will ever know, He doesn't need to punish us into servitude. This is a cheap excuse we tell ourselves to elude the fact that we need G-d. It is our way of elevating ourselves while diminishing the nature of G-d. 

In reality G-d allows suffering in our lives so that we might learn how to better know H-m. These trails we face in life are meant to draw us closer to H-m in ways that can't always be shown to us through the pleasurable parts of life. Without suffering we would only see one side of G-d. It is through the trials that we get a glimpse at the entirety of G-d's love for us.We learn what it means to love by H-s mercy, H-s grace, H-s compassion. None of which would be made evident to us through simply giving us everything we desire. 

Most importantly, G-d allows pain and suffering in our lives so that we might learn and grow in H-m. If we were spared the trials of life we would never be able to fulfill the great destinies that G-d created us for. Without the nisayon (trial) we would be left ill-equipped for the path that G-d has laid out before us. It is through this trial by fire that G-d makes it possible for us to rise up from the ashes like the majestic phoenix. 

For I know that my Haggo'el (Redeemer) lives, and that He shall stand at the latter day upon the earth.

~ The Book of Job 19:25

If you are going through a trial in your life know that your Haggo'el lives. Know that despite the pain that your G-d loves you with an unending passion.