Quantifying Love

Self-worth And Affection

In every relationship you will ever have there will at some point be a sense of bartering between the conscious decision to either love or tolerate the other person. These moments arrive to us through the countless hardships and challenges life brings our way. Some relationships will falter where others will soar. And in those moments we will either decide the value of those relationships by revering their worth or devaluing them within our hearts.

So why do we love others and yet find ourselves in a position where love seems to fail?

For me the question has always been more about why others could ever really love me...

From birth we start out a blank slate. Every idea of what love is and what it will ever mean to us is written upon our souls and upon our flesh from that first breath. Infants who experience love from the womb show that they expect it upon arrival. Their desire to cling to the woman who carried them all those months is evident not only in their helplessness but in their desire for that affection. Separation becomes more agonizing than hunger itself. This is for many the first inclination, despite never registering in our memories, of what love will mean for us.

But what if love was refused to us from those early stages? What if the person we were meant to cling to offered nothing but hatred from the start?

For me that came from my father. One of the few people I came into this world seemingly believing was supposed to offer me love and comfort and yet what I received was absolute abhorrence. Where gentle words could had soothed the pain inflicted by his own hand, I was guided toward a view of myself that lingers to this day.

Life isn't fair.

The fairy tales better fathers would had offered didn't happen for me. The happy ever after was hidden beneath bruises and scars that time itself dared not heal. What view I was given of myself was that of worthlessness and helplessness. Through hedonistic barbarism I was given a standard against which I was to judge myself, and all because at that age I couldn't had known it was wrong.

For others this standard against which we measure ourselves arrives to us in much the same way. Through it may not had been through that exact method, we obtain a view of ourselves by how those we love reflect it upon us. Their every action, every misspoken word, these are the things that build up a chart in our mind that tells us from that point forward just how worthy of love we really are. It doesn't matter that this standard set for us is flawed... it only matters to us because at that moment it is the only one we have got.

Moving forward in life becomes like navigating our way through a battlefield. For me it was one long path of trying to make sure other people, no matter how much I loved them, couldn't hurt me like that again. This was often achieved by simply reminding myself that if the one man who should had loved me from the start couldn't... nobody else ever would.

Over the years this scar claimed relationship after relationship. It's appetite for self-preservation was insatiable. Whenever someone would approach that point that little prick in my side would arise. The scars, the bruises, every drop of blood spilled... All of this came to the surface and the desire to shut down became so pronounced that it could not be denied.

Friends, family; nobody is safe when those defenses come shooting to the surface. The most simple of triggers can cause the walls to rise up so quickly that we assume there was a clean break. Yet on the other side we leave someone dazed and confused as we close our eyes and wish them away.

So what happens when someone doesn't go away?

Within our souls we have measured our own worth. We know what we feel we are worth and how much love we can accept from another. It such a deeply embedded logic, yet so illogically based, that when it is questioned the world seems to near collapse all around us.

When a person decides to push against our walls we become combative. The defenses we cherish are in danger. The attacker is irrational in our view as they somehow cannot see how misguided we believe their advances to be. We see ourselves as the untouchables and yet here is this person trying to reach over our walls and place themselves where only those scars remain.

No matter how guarded we are, no matter how many defenses we have erected, there will be this person who does not allow their love to be so easily refused. They see us in a way that we cannot see ourselves. They look beyond this standard we have for so long compared ourselves to. And in it's place they have drawn a new standard for us that reflects not the scars that have defined us, but rather what we could be... what we should have always been.

If we are lucky, if we can lower our walls just a little, we can feel the warmth of another's love without holding our own hearts in reserve. But for this to happen we must first allow ourselves to release our sense of self worth from the standard someone else has cast for us. We must break our attachment to the pain that has bound us and restricted us. We must allow the love of another to break down our guards and touch the scars we have clung to for so long.

This isn't something that happens over night. The reason for those scars must be addressed and the pain they cause must be released. The wounds that were left upon us by others may never truly heal and the pain may reappear from time to time. But if, and only when, we accept that we are worthy of the love of another... that is when the pain these scars bring can finally be eased. The torment these scars have created can finally be soothed as we allow this love to lift us beyond the prison they have created for us.

"Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other."

Psalm 85:10

Defiler Of Dreams

 

"In recent days I have been having a dream that won't go away. At times it returns to me when I'm awake. I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds like I should be taking some pills to calm my nerves. But I decided to share it anyway.

All it is really is a dark landscape. There isn't anything on it and there isn't really any source of light to be seen. But I know it is expansive and goes as far as I can see... even though I can't see much of it. And that is how it starts...

I just stand there. I feel my body sweat. I feel my gut tense up inside me as if I'm ready to fight. But I just stand there looking out over the darkness. I'm terrified, nervous, but most of all... angry.

Then it all changes.

I hear a scream. A limb goes up somewhere in the distance. I see a hand reach up toward the blackened sky. The scream hurts my ears... it hearts my heart.

A figure rushes out of nowhere and stops right next to the hand. It peers down at the screaming figure on the ground. I can't see faces, I can't make out who is who. But in my soul I know what is about to happen. And that is when I start to yell, but nothing comes out. I want to fight. I want to pick up my weapon and rush out to the field. I want to go to war.

Then just as I feel a word, a sound, rise up in my throat the standing figure moves its arm. Pointing at the hand, the figure pauses. Everything gets really loud. Then there is a bang. Silence.

That is how the dream goes. Over and over again. From one end of the field to the next. Repeating till I wake up.

It isn't like other dreams I have. I can feel it in my bones. I can taste it. I can smell it. And yet I can't change it."

I wrote this down a few nights ago when I tried to stay awake. I knew that same dream was coming back. I could feel my soul ache as the images of that nightmare flashed behind my eyelids with every blink. It is hard to describe just what this dream means to me. Words don't seem to accurately depict the outrage, the anger, the sudden desire to fight that comes with this dream. 

Dreams like this rob me of sleep. I wake up feeling like I have been fighting, as though I have been beaten and tormented for the duration of the night. These dreams bring about the desire to act. They are motivators to fight. 

I know what I am looking at in that dream. I know the meaning it holds to me. And for the most part I know why it motivates me and terrifies me at the same time. 

Yet at the same time I have often wondered just why G-d allows these sorts of dreams to occur. And when they are persistent interruptions of our sleep, why allow that kind of deprivation? Are our dreams not supposed to be a sacred part of our rest, our peace? Or are they just another battlefield upon which we are made to fight whether we like it or not? 

I don't pretend to know the answers to these things. I don't have any advice really. All I know is that for me personally those hours of rest are precious to me. They are supposed to be separate from all the hardships of life. Or at least when I was young that was the way I saw it. 

All I know is that over the years of engaging the enemy I feel like I have aged far quicker than I would have ever liked. At times I wonder where my innocence was lost. At what point did my heart first break? 

And if it continues to break over and over again does that mean innocence was never truly lost at all? 

The only thing I can leave you with is this...

If you have these sorts of dreams, if you have these sorts of battles, take comfort in the fact that the enemy only attacks those it fears. The stronger the offensive, the more the enemy fears your potential. The longer the night, the worse the enemy fears the path G-d has set you upon. These are deterrents for the weaker hearted warriors. They are meant to set us back on the defense in the moments before we are meant to be taking to the offense. And at the same time, G-d shows us these things, allows these things, so that we are prepared for what the enemy lays out before us. 

We fight an enemy that arrogantly underestimates us. They think we are weak and worthless. They act as though we can be counted out before the fight is ever begun. Yet we are their enemy, and thus we merit their hatred. Even those of us who have not yet begun to fight are targets. 

"He makes His messengers winds, His ministers a flaming fire."

Psalm 104:4

Life On The Offense

The L-rd will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before you. They shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways. 

~ Deuteronomy 28:7

No army in all of history has ever won a war or battle by playing it safe. They never tell their leaders to just stay on the defense, to hold their ground for the duration of the war. The goal of battle is to crush your opponent. To be successful the bravery of the soldiers must be tested on the offense. The motivation that drives them must be hardened when brought under fire. And the courage of the individual must be tested against the zeal that can only be found when routing an enemy. 

For the faithful this is a test that we only dream of while we go about our daily lives. We stay within the boundaries the enemy has laid out for us. The defenses the enemy brings up to corral us into a place of starvation hinder our thirst for battle. Fear, self-doubt, and apathy keep us with our heels dug into the ground while we pretend to be bold. But G-d did not make us to simply hold our ground. 

When we have grown in our faith we are designed to seek out the enemy. When we are strong, when we are as lions, we were made to pursue the wicked. Our fangs were never met to be hid from the eyes of the enemy. Our claws were not meant to dig into the ground but rather were designed to bring down our foes. We were made to live our lives on the offense. 

It is in this that we find the strength of Ad-nai. It is the struggle that we find our purpose in life. Through the scars, the wounds, and the pain we endure we find the lessons that J-hovah has prepared for us. None of which will we learn as long as we stay idle in the face of an ever more depraved enemy. 

So what keeps us locked in place? 

Fear

Fear is a wonderful motivator. In Hebraic tradition we are commanded by G-d to fear H-m. It is a complex concept in our modern world. It is hard to understand with our ideas of what fear is meant to be and what we feel it actually is.

The fear of the L-rd is that of respect. It is a fear that cultivates both love and reverence for the L-rd who provides for us and guides us. This fear allows us to connect with the principles the L-rd has laid out for us in H-s commandments. It helps remind us when we are going against the way the L-rd has laid out for us. It helps to keep us on the path that G-d has set before us. This is the fear that G-d has commanded of us. 

The difficulty is in the understanding that fear of G-d is not a fear of H-s wrath or anger but rather a fear of being separated from H-m. It is this fear that we often first associate with our parents when we are young. This is the fear we first feel when we find ourselves lost and without help. For most it is that moment when we run ahead of our parents or get lost in a crowd and turn around to find we are all alone. 

It is this same fear that the enemy tries to use against us. Through perversions of the same fear that G-d has instructed of us the enemy is able to put many back on the defense. Thus the fear we were instructed to hold, the only fear we were ever meant to have, is used against us. 

For others there is the fear of being cut off and surrounded. This fear arises often when we have already gone into battle against the enemy time and time again. We are given this fear through experiences from which we may not have learned the lessons G-d tried to show us. All we see is the supposed fact that our fellow faithful comrades dropped back and left us stranded. This is the fear of outrunning our supply lines, of being out gunned and out classed.

They surrounded me like bees; they went out like a fire among thorns; in the name of the L-rd I cut them off! I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the L-rd helped me.

~ Psalms 118:12-13

Yet G-d reminds us in Psalms 118:12-13 that wherever we go, not matter how contentious the battle, our S-vior is forever faithful. There is no point in our lives that G-d will ever forsake us or abandon us. It is only the deceiver who whispers these things in our ear. It is the enemy who tells us to give up and surrender our faith. 

It was in our L-rd's infinite wisdom that He instructed us to fear H-m and H-m alone. If we truly fear the L-rd we can fully trust that He will be with us. It is in this that we find our strength to endure. It is the fear of G-d that we find the ability to cast off the fears the enemy lays before us.

Doubt 

When we first are faced with the daunting reality of spiritual battle we can often become overwhelmed with doubts. In moments of adversity we begin to doubt our purpose in this battle. We begin to question why we ever set out to meet the enemy in the first place. It is in these moments that we are told the lie that it would be better to break and run than to endure the battle. 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the L-rd, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart. 

~Jeremiah 28:11-13

In battle doubt it deadly. It leaves us vulnerable on all flanks. We can neither retreat nor advance when we are overcome with doubt. In this aspect it leaves the combatant paralyzed. It is for this reason the enemy wields this weapon against us so readily. For we face an enemy that does not simply want to push us back and reclaim the ground or win the day, we face an enemy that seeks to destroy us entirely. 

Thus G-d persistently tries to reassure us of H-s faithfulness. In Jeremiah chapter 28 the L-rd boldly tells us that He (and He alone) knows the plans that have been made for us. In H-s love for us He has made a future for us filled with glory. And in H-s ever present grace, the L-rd has given us hope when we feel hopeless. 

The only thing G-d ask of us is that we seek H-m with all our heart and soul. It is through this that we will be able to cast aside our doubts and see the path that He has made for us. Through our dedication to the L-rd we have been given a way to persevere in the face of adversity. We can in this set aside our inadequacies and surrender our self-doubt. For our L-rd goes before us like a raging wind before the storm. 

Apathy 

Faith is much like a plant in many ways. It needs to be replenished by a living water. It must be given the light to grow. And when neglected it slowly dies, wilting leaf by leaf till all that is left is a weak and fragile shell of what once was. For this apathy in faith is much like the autumn... a slow decay of what spring had brought forth. 

When warriors of the L-rd are apathetic they loose their fighting edge. We tend not to realize that we are constantly engaged with a foe that never relents. While we let the decay set in the enemy waits. While our weapons rust and our defenses are cast aside, the enemy waits. It is when the vitality of our faith has decayed till it can be sustained no more that the enemy launches its blitz against the apathetic followers of the L-rd. 

In reality the lack of sustaining our faith comes from the lack of seeking G-d's presence in our lives. In doing this we barely even live a life on the defense but rather set out the battle all together. Without engaging our faith by maintaining our relationship with G-d we cheapen our own purpose in life. 

The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the L-rd lack no good thing. 

~Psalm 34:10

When we refuse to seek the L-rd we find ourselves hungry. Our spirit is filled with want and desire for the L-rd. It is in our very nature that we need G-d in our lives. Thus the root of just why apathy is so fatal to faith. Without G-d's presence, without the source of our lifeblood, we turn to other sources to fill the desperate desire that is left within our souls. 

For this the slow death of apathy takes us off the battlefield and places us in captivity. It chains us to cheap idols and sinful delights that last but for a season. For many it is often only when the pain of a spiritual death finally sets in that they realize just how far they have gone astray. And it is by this point that the enemy reinforces the suffering of apathy with doubt and fear. 

O G-d, you are my G-d; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 

~Psalm 63:1

If we are to live our lives on the offense we must first learn to overcome the snares of fear, doubt, and apathy. We must learn to seek our L-rd constantly and to follow where He leads us. We must be bold in our faith and learn to feed off the blessings of G-d. We must quench our thirst with H-s word and stifle our hunger with H-s fellowship. All of which the L-rd has promised H-s faithful if they will simply seek the L-rd with all their heart, mind, and soul. 

For those on the offense...

Let us not be weary for the L-rd our G-d is our strength, our savior, and our redeemer.