Quantifying Love

Self-worth And Affection

In every relationship you will ever have there will at some point be a sense of bartering between the conscious decision to either love or tolerate the other person. These moments arrive to us through the countless hardships and challenges life brings our way. Some relationships will falter where others will soar. And in those moments we will either decide the value of those relationships by revering their worth or devaluing them within our hearts.

So why do we love others and yet find ourselves in a position where love seems to fail?

For me the question has always been more about why others could ever really love me...

From birth we start out a blank slate. Every idea of what love is and what it will ever mean to us is written upon our souls and upon our flesh from that first breath. Infants who experience love from the womb show that they expect it upon arrival. Their desire to cling to the woman who carried them all those months is evident not only in their helplessness but in their desire for that affection. Separation becomes more agonizing than hunger itself. This is for many the first inclination, despite never registering in our memories, of what love will mean for us.

But what if love was refused to us from those early stages? What if the person we were meant to cling to offered nothing but hatred from the start?

For me that came from my father. One of the few people I came into this world seemingly believing was supposed to offer me love and comfort and yet what I received was absolute abhorrence. Where gentle words could had soothed the pain inflicted by his own hand, I was guided toward a view of myself that lingers to this day.

Life isn't fair.

The fairy tales better fathers would had offered didn't happen for me. The happy ever after was hidden beneath bruises and scars that time itself dared not heal. What view I was given of myself was that of worthlessness and helplessness. Through hedonistic barbarism I was given a standard against which I was to judge myself, and all because at that age I couldn't had known it was wrong.

For others this standard against which we measure ourselves arrives to us in much the same way. Through it may not had been through that exact method, we obtain a view of ourselves by how those we love reflect it upon us. Their every action, every misspoken word, these are the things that build up a chart in our mind that tells us from that point forward just how worthy of love we really are. It doesn't matter that this standard set for us is flawed... it only matters to us because at that moment it is the only one we have got.

Moving forward in life becomes like navigating our way through a battlefield. For me it was one long path of trying to make sure other people, no matter how much I loved them, couldn't hurt me like that again. This was often achieved by simply reminding myself that if the one man who should had loved me from the start couldn't... nobody else ever would.

Over the years this scar claimed relationship after relationship. It's appetite for self-preservation was insatiable. Whenever someone would approach that point that little prick in my side would arise. The scars, the bruises, every drop of blood spilled... All of this came to the surface and the desire to shut down became so pronounced that it could not be denied.

Friends, family; nobody is safe when those defenses come shooting to the surface. The most simple of triggers can cause the walls to rise up so quickly that we assume there was a clean break. Yet on the other side we leave someone dazed and confused as we close our eyes and wish them away.

So what happens when someone doesn't go away?

Within our souls we have measured our own worth. We know what we feel we are worth and how much love we can accept from another. It such a deeply embedded logic, yet so illogically based, that when it is questioned the world seems to near collapse all around us.

When a person decides to push against our walls we become combative. The defenses we cherish are in danger. The attacker is irrational in our view as they somehow cannot see how misguided we believe their advances to be. We see ourselves as the untouchables and yet here is this person trying to reach over our walls and place themselves where only those scars remain.

No matter how guarded we are, no matter how many defenses we have erected, there will be this person who does not allow their love to be so easily refused. They see us in a way that we cannot see ourselves. They look beyond this standard we have for so long compared ourselves to. And in it's place they have drawn a new standard for us that reflects not the scars that have defined us, but rather what we could be... what we should have always been.

If we are lucky, if we can lower our walls just a little, we can feel the warmth of another's love without holding our own hearts in reserve. But for this to happen we must first allow ourselves to release our sense of self worth from the standard someone else has cast for us. We must break our attachment to the pain that has bound us and restricted us. We must allow the love of another to break down our guards and touch the scars we have clung to for so long.

This isn't something that happens over night. The reason for those scars must be addressed and the pain they cause must be released. The wounds that were left upon us by others may never truly heal and the pain may reappear from time to time. But if, and only when, we accept that we are worthy of the love of another... that is when the pain these scars bring can finally be eased. The torment these scars have created can finally be soothed as we allow this love to lift us beyond the prison they have created for us.

"Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other."

Psalm 85:10

Hiding in Foxholes

When I look out upon the world I often can't help but see a barren landscape. Looking at the people I come across in my daily life I often see the a pain they can't shake, wounds that won't heal, and troubles that simply won't pass. I see it in the way they treat the people they don't know and then how they behave with those they do. In the defenses, the paranoia, and the through the facades they build I can see the scars of a life spent fighting off the vultures.

This is a part of life in what I call "no man's land" that I never have gotten use to. The pain that floats just beneath the surface is almost palpable. When I'm around a person with especially raw wounds the pain almost has that wretched scent of gangrene. It deteriorates the very nature of it's victim. It strips away the humanity and leaves nothing for its victim to replace their loss with. In the end they are more zombie like than anything else... barely alive and yet still going through the motions.

This is what the enemy does to people. It is a tormentor that knows no limits to what agony it can inflict upon it's victims. By delivering blows that the prey can't heal on their own the enemy makes wounded animals out of human beings. They know the pain is real, they can feel the suffering in their minds and bodies, yet the wounds can't be seen. This is the slow death the enemy offers to people.

Day after day I find my foxhole to duck into. Peeking over the filthy edge all I see is a broken world all around me. The dead and dieing walk all around me. Their numbed faces fake smiles as they pass one another. But the smell of infected wounds can't be hidden. And I should know, I have plenty of my own.

Setting in my foxhole I know I have a secret. Tucked under my shirt I have a cure for my own disease. From the pages of this weapon I find strength to endure. From these living words my wounds are healed. Setting in my foxhole I know I have something I can't hide.

Looking over the ledge of my foxhole I can see in the distance another head pop up over the ledge of a distant foxhole. Through the crowd of wounded souls I can spot another person just like me peeking out over this barren wasteland. And in an instant we both duck back down and out of sight.

I look over the ledge once again, this time in another direction. Again I see another person just like me peering out from yet another foxhole. And once more we make eye contact just before ducking back down and out of sight.

Day after day I have hid in my foxhole. I have watched wounded souls wander past without giving it much thought. I all honesty it just hurt to much to look at them. But now I realize I'm not alone. Looking out of my foxhole I can see the field around me is dotted with distant foxholes. Like gophers we peek out of our little comfort zones. Day after day I had hid in my foxhole... never noticing all of them.

I know I have a weapon, a tool, a cure... and suddenly I realize so do all of those other ones just like me... hid in their foxholes. So now all I can see is a world full of people just like me. Hiding in their foxholes they hold onto the living word as they duck down and out of sight. But why? Why do we hide in our foxholes?

Now when I look out upon this world I see a landscape dotted with foxholes. And all I can think of is what it would be like if we came up... over the top... into sight... word in hand... ready to fight.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

Surrounded By Hyenas

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the J-hovah El-him He it is that does go with you; He will not fail you, nor forsake you."

~ Deuteronomy 31:6

As believers in G-d we often picture ourselves as coming under attack when we meet resistance in our walk with the L-rd. We accredit this challenge to our faith to an enemy that is relentless in its attempts to lay siege to us personally. And though there might be some truth to this natural reaction there may also be more to the battles we face than we first realize. 

If we are truly living as G-d commands us to there will certainly be obstacles to overcome in our own lives. Habits that we form and the ways we might desire to conduct ourselves may be contradictory to the habits and lifestyle G-d's commandments lay out for us. Yet rarely do we consider this a part of some exterior force attempting to bombard us. It is mainly when we step outside our own walk with the L-rd that the enemy appears to attack. 

And that is where our liberation from sin begins to threaten the captivity of others. Once we begin to grow beyond our own personal relationship with G-d and begin to influence others (either directly or indirectly) we step out onto a field of battle. Most of the time, we do so without really knowing that we are. 

The enemy has laid claim to the very ground upon which we stand. Even more importantly it has claimed the lives of all that walk upon the earth for its own devious intentions. Just as it has been made miserable it too intends to inflict the same wretched bareness upon the ground and all living upon it. By doing so the enemy seeks to destroy the souls of its victims through the current captivity and eventually the eternal separation of that soul from G-d.

When the followers of G-d step out onto this territory they become invaders. Those who intentionally decide to stay become occupiers. And those who move further out into the enemies territory become conquerors. All of which must be dealt with. Their advance must be stopped and the occupation must be ended. For this is an enemy that can not and will not give an inch let alone bear to loose a captive soul. 

During the adolescence of a male lion the young male reaches a point where it must move on. The desire to claim new territory is inherit in the young lion. But most of all, the young male needs a pride... he needs an army of souls. 

There are only two ways a young lion can achieve the goal of forming a pride. He can either challenge and kill an existing male lion who has his own pride. Or he can set out and find a start a new one of his own. 

The second way of forming a pride is hard. A lion without a pride is doomed to starvation or at best a life on the brink of it. Hyenas and jackals rarely challenge a pride of lions openly and aggressively. Yet a lone lion is fair game even for the lowest of predators. The lone lion can't defend itself effectively. He is simply a loose end that nature finds a way to finish off. 

And yet G-d calls his followers to set out into the enemy's territory and form one pride after another. At times he even calls upon us to do so even when we feel like lone lions. Yet even as it appears the odds are stacked against us and the enemy is closing in from every angle, G-d prepares the field and snatches us from the jaws of defeat only to hand us the victory. 

These are the times when we shouldn't look at ourselves as the victims of siege but rather the aggressors routing the defenders and claiming new ground. For even when we least expect it, when we think that nobody is looking, we are often liberating the lives of fellow captives. By living as G-d has directed us to, we can set others free from the suffering to which we too were once bound. 

"The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them has the light shined."

~ Isaiah 9:2

The Wandering Lion

 
"The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion."

~ Proverbs 28:1

Going through my daily life it is hard at times to remember just how and for what purpose G-d has made me. At times I often do feel like a lion, if all be it one caged in a circus just waiting to escape. My soul seems to pace back and forth within its confines waiting to be set free. Like the panting lions staring back from between the bars, my heart hungers for what is on the other side. 

This need to be free is the most natural of desires mankind has. It is the state of man to pursue his liberties without relenting. We were made with this hunger that even the largest of enclosures can not subdue. For even in the best and most well kept cages we still linger at the gate. Our hearts still seek what is kept just beyond our reach. 

In religion of any form this natural inclination is almost immediately put into conflict with our understanding of G-d's will. Whether we are given 10 commandments or 613, a part of our being seeks to reach beyond those confines and test the bars which hold us in. For some of us, perhaps, just knowing the limits set for us is enough to accept our perceived captivity. For others it becomes a game of sorts to see just how far over the line we can step before having to hop back over to the other side.

This is where I have found it difficult to accept myself as a lion in captivity but rather a wandering "lion amongst the beasts of the forest" (Micah 5:8). I know my G-d made me free from my first breath. I follow H-s commandments as a form of praise and thankfulness for all G-d has bestowed upon me. 

And yet far to often that is how I see my fellow believers viewing their faith. As though the word of the L-rd is a barrier... a prison of their own making. And for all their roaring and all their saber rattling, they are just lions pacing the lengths of their cage. 

Life in of itself has a way of making us feel as though we are that lion trapped and confined. Whether it be to our job, our responsibilities, or those things we would rather keep secret. Our day to day life has a way of shackling us and tossing us behind rusted bars. 

Our faith should not. 

G-d has made each of us capable of being mighty lions. We were created in H-s image. We were made to display H-s love, mercy, compassion, justice, and yes... even his anger. We were not meant to flee before the presence of our enemy but rather to stand firm like the noble beasts we are. 

When faced with evil we should be able to display to others all the aspects of our G-d. We should be able to show even the worst of men the love and mercy that G-d has given onto us. And with an honest heart and compassionate tongue, we should be able to convey G-d's anger when we find evil amongst our own. 

Yet far to often these aspects of being "amongst the righteous" are lost. And at times it feels more like we are nothing more than jackals rather than lions. At times we are more prone to cannibalism rather than accountability. And more tragically, we often find ourselves with far less a compassionate heart for the sinner and more apt to anger for the sin itself. 

In the end however I would wish it could be said of me, and those I love, that we were as lions when confronted with evil. That we stood before our enemy and bore our claws and showed our teeth not for our own salvation but so that others might live.