Quantifying Love

Self-worth And Affection

In every relationship you will ever have there will at some point be a sense of bartering between the conscious decision to either love or tolerate the other person. These moments arrive to us through the countless hardships and challenges life brings our way. Some relationships will falter where others will soar. And in those moments we will either decide the value of those relationships by revering their worth or devaluing them within our hearts.

So why do we love others and yet find ourselves in a position where love seems to fail?

For me the question has always been more about why others could ever really love me...

From birth we start out a blank slate. Every idea of what love is and what it will ever mean to us is written upon our souls and upon our flesh from that first breath. Infants who experience love from the womb show that they expect it upon arrival. Their desire to cling to the woman who carried them all those months is evident not only in their helplessness but in their desire for that affection. Separation becomes more agonizing than hunger itself. This is for many the first inclination, despite never registering in our memories, of what love will mean for us.

But what if love was refused to us from those early stages? What if the person we were meant to cling to offered nothing but hatred from the start?

For me that came from my father. One of the few people I came into this world seemingly believing was supposed to offer me love and comfort and yet what I received was absolute abhorrence. Where gentle words could had soothed the pain inflicted by his own hand, I was guided toward a view of myself that lingers to this day.

Life isn't fair.

The fairy tales better fathers would had offered didn't happen for me. The happy ever after was hidden beneath bruises and scars that time itself dared not heal. What view I was given of myself was that of worthlessness and helplessness. Through hedonistic barbarism I was given a standard against which I was to judge myself, and all because at that age I couldn't had known it was wrong.

For others this standard against which we measure ourselves arrives to us in much the same way. Through it may not had been through that exact method, we obtain a view of ourselves by how those we love reflect it upon us. Their every action, every misspoken word, these are the things that build up a chart in our mind that tells us from that point forward just how worthy of love we really are. It doesn't matter that this standard set for us is flawed... it only matters to us because at that moment it is the only one we have got.

Moving forward in life becomes like navigating our way through a battlefield. For me it was one long path of trying to make sure other people, no matter how much I loved them, couldn't hurt me like that again. This was often achieved by simply reminding myself that if the one man who should had loved me from the start couldn't... nobody else ever would.

Over the years this scar claimed relationship after relationship. It's appetite for self-preservation was insatiable. Whenever someone would approach that point that little prick in my side would arise. The scars, the bruises, every drop of blood spilled... All of this came to the surface and the desire to shut down became so pronounced that it could not be denied.

Friends, family; nobody is safe when those defenses come shooting to the surface. The most simple of triggers can cause the walls to rise up so quickly that we assume there was a clean break. Yet on the other side we leave someone dazed and confused as we close our eyes and wish them away.

So what happens when someone doesn't go away?

Within our souls we have measured our own worth. We know what we feel we are worth and how much love we can accept from another. It such a deeply embedded logic, yet so illogically based, that when it is questioned the world seems to near collapse all around us.

When a person decides to push against our walls we become combative. The defenses we cherish are in danger. The attacker is irrational in our view as they somehow cannot see how misguided we believe their advances to be. We see ourselves as the untouchables and yet here is this person trying to reach over our walls and place themselves where only those scars remain.

No matter how guarded we are, no matter how many defenses we have erected, there will be this person who does not allow their love to be so easily refused. They see us in a way that we cannot see ourselves. They look beyond this standard we have for so long compared ourselves to. And in it's place they have drawn a new standard for us that reflects not the scars that have defined us, but rather what we could be... what we should have always been.

If we are lucky, if we can lower our walls just a little, we can feel the warmth of another's love without holding our own hearts in reserve. But for this to happen we must first allow ourselves to release our sense of self worth from the standard someone else has cast for us. We must break our attachment to the pain that has bound us and restricted us. We must allow the love of another to break down our guards and touch the scars we have clung to for so long.

This isn't something that happens over night. The reason for those scars must be addressed and the pain they cause must be released. The wounds that were left upon us by others may never truly heal and the pain may reappear from time to time. But if, and only when, we accept that we are worthy of the love of another... that is when the pain these scars bring can finally be eased. The torment these scars have created can finally be soothed as we allow this love to lift us beyond the prison they have created for us.

"Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other."

Psalm 85:10

From Shalam To Shalom

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses."

~Proverbs 10:12

What does it mean for us to actually forgive others? Can we actually forgive someone without putting in real effort? Or can we forgive others without attempting to heal the wounds that they have left upon our hearts? 

With every passing relationship we have we take away more than we put into them. We gather up the lessons we have learned along the way. And with these we gather the scrapes and bruises we collected with every lesson we learned. Its up to us which one of these two that we allow to characterize the relationship we had when it has passed away. 

Then there are the fights that kill the relationship all together. If always seems that we fight dirtiest with those we love. As though the intimacy of our friendships offer some excuse to take off the gloves and really dig in our claws. And when the fighting gets even more bitter we tend to go for the throat. 

So when it is all over, the dust has settled and the battle has ended, how do we restore peace? Where does forgiveness begin for us? How do we get back what was lost? 

In Hebrew the word "shalam" can be translated to "restore" or "to make amends". It is an active process of attempting to right the wrongs we have done others or those committed against us. It means doing more than simply telling ourselves that we forgive others but to actually pursue their forgiveness both in our hearts and their heart as well. 

The process of restoring a relationship is long and difficult. It takes time and effort to mend what has been broken. Our wounds often ache most when we attempt to go back to the reasons they were put there in the first place. But without this effort, without this part of forgiveness, we loose out on the many blessing G-d has given us in the companionship of others. 

To restore something that has been lost we must first admit to ourselves just why it was lost in the first place. We must accept the blame and refuse the easy way out by simply finding the faults in others. Then once we have admitted our own guilt, we must forgive ourselves. It is this step that many overlook because we often never think about it. But a full restoration of a relationship means that all the scars must be addressed. All the baggage must be handed over to the L-rd so that He can remove it from our souls. 

It is only after we have given up our own attachments to past wounds that we can seek the forgiveness of others. 

The part of restoration that most of us stop is the part of forgiving those who have wronged us. We come up with endless reasons to keep those who have hurt us at arms length. Either they don't deserve it or they haven't "earned it". But no matter what the reason there is a lack of peace (shalom) between us due to the lack of restoration (shalam).

When we come across people who we have not truly forgiven there is the constant bristling of hairs and showing of teeth. Even at its tamest, the sense that a battle is about to break out is always present. Even when we don't realize it ourselves, the people we surround ourselves with notice it every time.

So how does one "earn" our forgiveness? And should they have to?

When we seek G-d we often find ourselves falling short of H-s commandments. The first thing we do is ask for forgiveness. At other times we might even find ways to attempt to earn the L-rd's favor in hopes that it will cover up our sins. Yet G-d tells us from the beginning that He will never leave us or forsake us. He readily seeks after us like a parent would for their lost children. And like children, there is nothing we can do to earn that love.

The L-rd shows us the greatest example of love by readily forgiving our sins. We have nothing that G-d wants from us other than our love. For this He reason the L-rd seeks to restore us to H-m. He removes from us the sins that separate us from H-s presence. Thus G-d shows us the true example of what it means to forgive and restore our relationships.

We do not earn forgiveness. Therefore we cannot expect others to earn ours. We must show the love that G-d has shown us by readily perusing the level of intimacy we had with one another before the wounds were inflicted. By doing this we allow G-d to heal the scars and restore the blessing of a friendship between us.

We can only have peace through G-d's love. And as Proverb's tells us, "love covers all offenses."