A Lion's Prayer

A Personal Prayer

"But they who wait for the L-rd shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

Forgive me Abba for my sins,

for the words misspoke,

 for my excesses,

for those things I try so desperately to hide.

Take from me the chains that bind,

that hold me down,

and choke my spirit.

Heal these wounds I have spent so long licking,

the pain that binds my feet and makes me stumble, 

the lies I have told myself for so long, 

this spirit of shame that stifles my soul.

Show me the love that You have professed for me,

not with these eyes made blind by my own doing,

not with this flesh tainted by my own transgressions,

but in the spirit You have placed within me.

Let Your love open these weary eyes,

that they might see this world as You do.

Restore this scar ridden flesh,

so that it might feel Your presence around me.

Awaken this sleeping spirit, HaShem. 

Place my feet upon the path You have laid out before me,

that I might not stray from the way You have anointed with Your commandments.

Blessed are You Ad-ni, 

who has restored onto me a new spirit,

given me the will to fight,

the mind to lead,

and a heart with which to see.

From Shalam To Shalom

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses."

~Proverbs 10:12

What does it mean for us to actually forgive others? Can we actually forgive someone without putting in real effort? Or can we forgive others without attempting to heal the wounds that they have left upon our hearts? 

With every passing relationship we have we take away more than we put into them. We gather up the lessons we have learned along the way. And with these we gather the scrapes and bruises we collected with every lesson we learned. Its up to us which one of these two that we allow to characterize the relationship we had when it has passed away. 

Then there are the fights that kill the relationship all together. If always seems that we fight dirtiest with those we love. As though the intimacy of our friendships offer some excuse to take off the gloves and really dig in our claws. And when the fighting gets even more bitter we tend to go for the throat. 

So when it is all over, the dust has settled and the battle has ended, how do we restore peace? Where does forgiveness begin for us? How do we get back what was lost? 

In Hebrew the word "shalam" can be translated to "restore" or "to make amends". It is an active process of attempting to right the wrongs we have done others or those committed against us. It means doing more than simply telling ourselves that we forgive others but to actually pursue their forgiveness both in our hearts and their heart as well. 

The process of restoring a relationship is long and difficult. It takes time and effort to mend what has been broken. Our wounds often ache most when we attempt to go back to the reasons they were put there in the first place. But without this effort, without this part of forgiveness, we loose out on the many blessing G-d has given us in the companionship of others. 

To restore something that has been lost we must first admit to ourselves just why it was lost in the first place. We must accept the blame and refuse the easy way out by simply finding the faults in others. Then once we have admitted our own guilt, we must forgive ourselves. It is this step that many overlook because we often never think about it. But a full restoration of a relationship means that all the scars must be addressed. All the baggage must be handed over to the L-rd so that He can remove it from our souls. 

It is only after we have given up our own attachments to past wounds that we can seek the forgiveness of others. 

The part of restoration that most of us stop is the part of forgiving those who have wronged us. We come up with endless reasons to keep those who have hurt us at arms length. Either they don't deserve it or they haven't "earned it". But no matter what the reason there is a lack of peace (shalom) between us due to the lack of restoration (shalam).

When we come across people who we have not truly forgiven there is the constant bristling of hairs and showing of teeth. Even at its tamest, the sense that a battle is about to break out is always present. Even when we don't realize it ourselves, the people we surround ourselves with notice it every time.

So how does one "earn" our forgiveness? And should they have to?

When we seek G-d we often find ourselves falling short of H-s commandments. The first thing we do is ask for forgiveness. At other times we might even find ways to attempt to earn the L-rd's favor in hopes that it will cover up our sins. Yet G-d tells us from the beginning that He will never leave us or forsake us. He readily seeks after us like a parent would for their lost children. And like children, there is nothing we can do to earn that love.

The L-rd shows us the greatest example of love by readily forgiving our sins. We have nothing that G-d wants from us other than our love. For this He reason the L-rd seeks to restore us to H-m. He removes from us the sins that separate us from H-s presence. Thus G-d shows us the true example of what it means to forgive and restore our relationships.

We do not earn forgiveness. Therefore we cannot expect others to earn ours. We must show the love that G-d has shown us by readily perusing the level of intimacy we had with one another before the wounds were inflicted. By doing this we allow G-d to heal the scars and restore the blessing of a friendship between us.

We can only have peace through G-d's love. And as Proverb's tells us, "love covers all offenses."

Defiler Of Dreams

 

"In recent days I have been having a dream that won't go away. At times it returns to me when I'm awake. I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds like I should be taking some pills to calm my nerves. But I decided to share it anyway.

All it is really is a dark landscape. There isn't anything on it and there isn't really any source of light to be seen. But I know it is expansive and goes as far as I can see... even though I can't see much of it. And that is how it starts...

I just stand there. I feel my body sweat. I feel my gut tense up inside me as if I'm ready to fight. But I just stand there looking out over the darkness. I'm terrified, nervous, but most of all... angry.

Then it all changes.

I hear a scream. A limb goes up somewhere in the distance. I see a hand reach up toward the blackened sky. The scream hurts my ears... it hearts my heart.

A figure rushes out of nowhere and stops right next to the hand. It peers down at the screaming figure on the ground. I can't see faces, I can't make out who is who. But in my soul I know what is about to happen. And that is when I start to yell, but nothing comes out. I want to fight. I want to pick up my weapon and rush out to the field. I want to go to war.

Then just as I feel a word, a sound, rise up in my throat the standing figure moves its arm. Pointing at the hand, the figure pauses. Everything gets really loud. Then there is a bang. Silence.

That is how the dream goes. Over and over again. From one end of the field to the next. Repeating till I wake up.

It isn't like other dreams I have. I can feel it in my bones. I can taste it. I can smell it. And yet I can't change it."

I wrote this down a few nights ago when I tried to stay awake. I knew that same dream was coming back. I could feel my soul ache as the images of that nightmare flashed behind my eyelids with every blink. It is hard to describe just what this dream means to me. Words don't seem to accurately depict the outrage, the anger, the sudden desire to fight that comes with this dream. 

Dreams like this rob me of sleep. I wake up feeling like I have been fighting, as though I have been beaten and tormented for the duration of the night. These dreams bring about the desire to act. They are motivators to fight. 

I know what I am looking at in that dream. I know the meaning it holds to me. And for the most part I know why it motivates me and terrifies me at the same time. 

Yet at the same time I have often wondered just why G-d allows these sorts of dreams to occur. And when they are persistent interruptions of our sleep, why allow that kind of deprivation? Are our dreams not supposed to be a sacred part of our rest, our peace? Or are they just another battlefield upon which we are made to fight whether we like it or not? 

I don't pretend to know the answers to these things. I don't have any advice really. All I know is that for me personally those hours of rest are precious to me. They are supposed to be separate from all the hardships of life. Or at least when I was young that was the way I saw it. 

All I know is that over the years of engaging the enemy I feel like I have aged far quicker than I would have ever liked. At times I wonder where my innocence was lost. At what point did my heart first break? 

And if it continues to break over and over again does that mean innocence was never truly lost at all? 

The only thing I can leave you with is this...

If you have these sorts of dreams, if you have these sorts of battles, take comfort in the fact that the enemy only attacks those it fears. The stronger the offensive, the more the enemy fears your potential. The longer the night, the worse the enemy fears the path G-d has set you upon. These are deterrents for the weaker hearted warriors. They are meant to set us back on the defense in the moments before we are meant to be taking to the offense. And at the same time, G-d shows us these things, allows these things, so that we are prepared for what the enemy lays out before us. 

We fight an enemy that arrogantly underestimates us. They think we are weak and worthless. They act as though we can be counted out before the fight is ever begun. Yet we are their enemy, and thus we merit their hatred. Even those of us who have not yet begun to fight are targets. 

"He makes His messengers winds, His ministers a flaming fire."

Psalm 104:4

My Own Dreams Of My Father

My father has always had a voice that could travel right through the thickest of walls. That low tone could slip through the cracks in those old wood floors no matter how gently he was speaking. Even a groan or sigh as he woke up in the morning would carry right up the stairs and through the door to where I slept. It was one of those timeless things in my memory that no matter how old I get I will never forget. That feeling of waking up and knowing that my dad was still there.

See, the father I grew up wasn't the one I was born with. My biological father, as we learned to refer to him as, discarded me like he did with most everything and anyone. That was a wound that took years to heal. See, the father I grew up with was the one that I heard when I woke up in the morning, the man I heard when I fell asleep at night.

I remember rolling over in bed in the morning and hearing the most beautiful thing in the world. It wasn't the birds outside or the sounds of the world beginning to wake up alongside me. The most beautiful thing I could ever hear was the sound of my father as he woke up the world, my world. Because every morning I would roll over and hear him as he got up and did the most wonderful thing a father could do...

My mornings began with listening in on my father's prayers. I would listen to him pray for everyone in the world it seemed. Yet I was only awake for one reason. It wasn't the fact that his voice was so strong that I could imagine it rattling the windows and shaking the floor itself. No, I was waiting. I was waiting to hear my father's voice as he prayed over me.

There was such a passion in his voice. I could hear his soul in those words as he prayed over me with the start of every morning. I could feel his love through the sound of his voice. And for a boy who had experienced the rejection of a person who was supposed to love me no matter what; that was heaven on earth. It was in those moments I knew I had a father. I knew that my father was praying for me to my Abba... my G-d.

Now that I'm grown and on my own I still roll over in the morning and dream of hearing my father lifting me up in his prayers. The sound of my father's voice still wakes me up. No matter how far away, no matter where I have gone or where I'm going, my father's prayers still echo in my ears. That love, the love that healed my childhood wounds, it still lives in my heart to this very day.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

My father may not have known that I was listening to those words in the early morning hours. He may have not known that in his devotion he was showing me how I should live. His compassion, his empathy, his love for others; all of these things he was sowing in my heart and soul. His faith was being passed along. And though both of us have had our battles to hold onto our faith, the resolve that he was showing in those moments of dedication was passed down along with his words. 

In the smallest of moments, in the times when we think we are alone, we are often affecting the lives of others in ways we will never know. My father's morning prayers were those small moments that turned into most momentous of times in my life. And though they were done in the hours just before the light of day, those prayers ushered out the darkness of night in my young life. Those words set me on the path that has carried me to this day. 

In Proverbs G-d shows us that we are to train up our children in H-s way. This means that even in those times when we don't think we are being watched, listened to, or looked up at... we are meant to take these small and fleeting moments to continue that training. It is in these moments that we can either be a hindrance or a blessing. And no matter which one we choose the results will be without measure. The affect we have on the future is after all recorded by the lives our children and their children carry forth long after we ourselves are long gone.

Surrounded By Hyenas

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the J-hovah El-him He it is that does go with you; He will not fail you, nor forsake you."

~ Deuteronomy 31:6

As believers in G-d we often picture ourselves as coming under attack when we meet resistance in our walk with the L-rd. We accredit this challenge to our faith to an enemy that is relentless in its attempts to lay siege to us personally. And though there might be some truth to this natural reaction there may also be more to the battles we face than we first realize. 

If we are truly living as G-d commands us to there will certainly be obstacles to overcome in our own lives. Habits that we form and the ways we might desire to conduct ourselves may be contradictory to the habits and lifestyle G-d's commandments lay out for us. Yet rarely do we consider this a part of some exterior force attempting to bombard us. It is mainly when we step outside our own walk with the L-rd that the enemy appears to attack. 

And that is where our liberation from sin begins to threaten the captivity of others. Once we begin to grow beyond our own personal relationship with G-d and begin to influence others (either directly or indirectly) we step out onto a field of battle. Most of the time, we do so without really knowing that we are. 

The enemy has laid claim to the very ground upon which we stand. Even more importantly it has claimed the lives of all that walk upon the earth for its own devious intentions. Just as it has been made miserable it too intends to inflict the same wretched bareness upon the ground and all living upon it. By doing so the enemy seeks to destroy the souls of its victims through the current captivity and eventually the eternal separation of that soul from G-d.

When the followers of G-d step out onto this territory they become invaders. Those who intentionally decide to stay become occupiers. And those who move further out into the enemies territory become conquerors. All of which must be dealt with. Their advance must be stopped and the occupation must be ended. For this is an enemy that can not and will not give an inch let alone bear to loose a captive soul. 

During the adolescence of a male lion the young male reaches a point where it must move on. The desire to claim new territory is inherit in the young lion. But most of all, the young male needs a pride... he needs an army of souls. 

There are only two ways a young lion can achieve the goal of forming a pride. He can either challenge and kill an existing male lion who has his own pride. Or he can set out and find a start a new one of his own. 

The second way of forming a pride is hard. A lion without a pride is doomed to starvation or at best a life on the brink of it. Hyenas and jackals rarely challenge a pride of lions openly and aggressively. Yet a lone lion is fair game even for the lowest of predators. The lone lion can't defend itself effectively. He is simply a loose end that nature finds a way to finish off. 

And yet G-d calls his followers to set out into the enemy's territory and form one pride after another. At times he even calls upon us to do so even when we feel like lone lions. Yet even as it appears the odds are stacked against us and the enemy is closing in from every angle, G-d prepares the field and snatches us from the jaws of defeat only to hand us the victory. 

These are the times when we shouldn't look at ourselves as the victims of siege but rather the aggressors routing the defenders and claiming new ground. For even when we least expect it, when we think that nobody is looking, we are often liberating the lives of fellow captives. By living as G-d has directed us to, we can set others free from the suffering to which we too were once bound. 

"The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them has the light shined."

~ Isaiah 9:2

The Wandering Lion

 
"The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion."

~ Proverbs 28:1

Going through my daily life it is hard at times to remember just how and for what purpose G-d has made me. At times I often do feel like a lion, if all be it one caged in a circus just waiting to escape. My soul seems to pace back and forth within its confines waiting to be set free. Like the panting lions staring back from between the bars, my heart hungers for what is on the other side. 

This need to be free is the most natural of desires mankind has. It is the state of man to pursue his liberties without relenting. We were made with this hunger that even the largest of enclosures can not subdue. For even in the best and most well kept cages we still linger at the gate. Our hearts still seek what is kept just beyond our reach. 

In religion of any form this natural inclination is almost immediately put into conflict with our understanding of G-d's will. Whether we are given 10 commandments or 613, a part of our being seeks to reach beyond those confines and test the bars which hold us in. For some of us, perhaps, just knowing the limits set for us is enough to accept our perceived captivity. For others it becomes a game of sorts to see just how far over the line we can step before having to hop back over to the other side.

This is where I have found it difficult to accept myself as a lion in captivity but rather a wandering "lion amongst the beasts of the forest" (Micah 5:8). I know my G-d made me free from my first breath. I follow H-s commandments as a form of praise and thankfulness for all G-d has bestowed upon me. 

And yet far to often that is how I see my fellow believers viewing their faith. As though the word of the L-rd is a barrier... a prison of their own making. And for all their roaring and all their saber rattling, they are just lions pacing the lengths of their cage. 

Life in of itself has a way of making us feel as though we are that lion trapped and confined. Whether it be to our job, our responsibilities, or those things we would rather keep secret. Our day to day life has a way of shackling us and tossing us behind rusted bars. 

Our faith should not. 

G-d has made each of us capable of being mighty lions. We were created in H-s image. We were made to display H-s love, mercy, compassion, justice, and yes... even his anger. We were not meant to flee before the presence of our enemy but rather to stand firm like the noble beasts we are. 

When faced with evil we should be able to display to others all the aspects of our G-d. We should be able to show even the worst of men the love and mercy that G-d has given onto us. And with an honest heart and compassionate tongue, we should be able to convey G-d's anger when we find evil amongst our own. 

Yet far to often these aspects of being "amongst the righteous" are lost. And at times it feels more like we are nothing more than jackals rather than lions. At times we are more prone to cannibalism rather than accountability. And more tragically, we often find ourselves with far less a compassionate heart for the sinner and more apt to anger for the sin itself. 

In the end however I would wish it could be said of me, and those I love, that we were as lions when confronted with evil. That we stood before our enemy and bore our claws and showed our teeth not for our own salvation but so that others might live.