A Lion's Prayer

A Personal Prayer

"But they who wait for the L-rd shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

Forgive me Abba for my sins,

for the words misspoke,

 for my excesses,

for those things I try so desperately to hide.

Take from me the chains that bind,

that hold me down,

and choke my spirit.

Heal these wounds I have spent so long licking,

the pain that binds my feet and makes me stumble, 

the lies I have told myself for so long, 

this spirit of shame that stifles my soul.

Show me the love that You have professed for me,

not with these eyes made blind by my own doing,

not with this flesh tainted by my own transgressions,

but in the spirit You have placed within me.

Let Your love open these weary eyes,

that they might see this world as You do.

Restore this scar ridden flesh,

so that it might feel Your presence around me.

Awaken this sleeping spirit, HaShem. 

Place my feet upon the path You have laid out before me,

that I might not stray from the way You have anointed with Your commandments.

Blessed are You Ad-ni, 

who has restored onto me a new spirit,

given me the will to fight,

the mind to lead,

and a heart with which to see.

Defiler Of Dreams

 

"In recent days I have been having a dream that won't go away. At times it returns to me when I'm awake. I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds like I should be taking some pills to calm my nerves. But I decided to share it anyway.

All it is really is a dark landscape. There isn't anything on it and there isn't really any source of light to be seen. But I know it is expansive and goes as far as I can see... even though I can't see much of it. And that is how it starts...

I just stand there. I feel my body sweat. I feel my gut tense up inside me as if I'm ready to fight. But I just stand there looking out over the darkness. I'm terrified, nervous, but most of all... angry.

Then it all changes.

I hear a scream. A limb goes up somewhere in the distance. I see a hand reach up toward the blackened sky. The scream hurts my ears... it hearts my heart.

A figure rushes out of nowhere and stops right next to the hand. It peers down at the screaming figure on the ground. I can't see faces, I can't make out who is who. But in my soul I know what is about to happen. And that is when I start to yell, but nothing comes out. I want to fight. I want to pick up my weapon and rush out to the field. I want to go to war.

Then just as I feel a word, a sound, rise up in my throat the standing figure moves its arm. Pointing at the hand, the figure pauses. Everything gets really loud. Then there is a bang. Silence.

That is how the dream goes. Over and over again. From one end of the field to the next. Repeating till I wake up.

It isn't like other dreams I have. I can feel it in my bones. I can taste it. I can smell it. And yet I can't change it."

I wrote this down a few nights ago when I tried to stay awake. I knew that same dream was coming back. I could feel my soul ache as the images of that nightmare flashed behind my eyelids with every blink. It is hard to describe just what this dream means to me. Words don't seem to accurately depict the outrage, the anger, the sudden desire to fight that comes with this dream. 

Dreams like this rob me of sleep. I wake up feeling like I have been fighting, as though I have been beaten and tormented for the duration of the night. These dreams bring about the desire to act. They are motivators to fight. 

I know what I am looking at in that dream. I know the meaning it holds to me. And for the most part I know why it motivates me and terrifies me at the same time. 

Yet at the same time I have often wondered just why G-d allows these sorts of dreams to occur. And when they are persistent interruptions of our sleep, why allow that kind of deprivation? Are our dreams not supposed to be a sacred part of our rest, our peace? Or are they just another battlefield upon which we are made to fight whether we like it or not? 

I don't pretend to know the answers to these things. I don't have any advice really. All I know is that for me personally those hours of rest are precious to me. They are supposed to be separate from all the hardships of life. Or at least when I was young that was the way I saw it. 

All I know is that over the years of engaging the enemy I feel like I have aged far quicker than I would have ever liked. At times I wonder where my innocence was lost. At what point did my heart first break? 

And if it continues to break over and over again does that mean innocence was never truly lost at all? 

The only thing I can leave you with is this...

If you have these sorts of dreams, if you have these sorts of battles, take comfort in the fact that the enemy only attacks those it fears. The stronger the offensive, the more the enemy fears your potential. The longer the night, the worse the enemy fears the path G-d has set you upon. These are deterrents for the weaker hearted warriors. They are meant to set us back on the defense in the moments before we are meant to be taking to the offense. And at the same time, G-d shows us these things, allows these things, so that we are prepared for what the enemy lays out before us. 

We fight an enemy that arrogantly underestimates us. They think we are weak and worthless. They act as though we can be counted out before the fight is ever begun. Yet we are their enemy, and thus we merit their hatred. Even those of us who have not yet begun to fight are targets. 

"He makes His messengers winds, His ministers a flaming fire."

Psalm 104:4

Life On The Offense

The L-rd will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before you. They shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways. 

~ Deuteronomy 28:7

No army in all of history has ever won a war or battle by playing it safe. They never tell their leaders to just stay on the defense, to hold their ground for the duration of the war. The goal of battle is to crush your opponent. To be successful the bravery of the soldiers must be tested on the offense. The motivation that drives them must be hardened when brought under fire. And the courage of the individual must be tested against the zeal that can only be found when routing an enemy. 

For the faithful this is a test that we only dream of while we go about our daily lives. We stay within the boundaries the enemy has laid out for us. The defenses the enemy brings up to corral us into a place of starvation hinder our thirst for battle. Fear, self-doubt, and apathy keep us with our heels dug into the ground while we pretend to be bold. But G-d did not make us to simply hold our ground. 

When we have grown in our faith we are designed to seek out the enemy. When we are strong, when we are as lions, we were made to pursue the wicked. Our fangs were never met to be hid from the eyes of the enemy. Our claws were not meant to dig into the ground but rather were designed to bring down our foes. We were made to live our lives on the offense. 

It is in this that we find the strength of Ad-nai. It is the struggle that we find our purpose in life. Through the scars, the wounds, and the pain we endure we find the lessons that J-hovah has prepared for us. None of which will we learn as long as we stay idle in the face of an ever more depraved enemy. 

So what keeps us locked in place? 

Fear

Fear is a wonderful motivator. In Hebraic tradition we are commanded by G-d to fear H-m. It is a complex concept in our modern world. It is hard to understand with our ideas of what fear is meant to be and what we feel it actually is.

The fear of the L-rd is that of respect. It is a fear that cultivates both love and reverence for the L-rd who provides for us and guides us. This fear allows us to connect with the principles the L-rd has laid out for us in H-s commandments. It helps remind us when we are going against the way the L-rd has laid out for us. It helps to keep us on the path that G-d has set before us. This is the fear that G-d has commanded of us. 

The difficulty is in the understanding that fear of G-d is not a fear of H-s wrath or anger but rather a fear of being separated from H-m. It is this fear that we often first associate with our parents when we are young. This is the fear we first feel when we find ourselves lost and without help. For most it is that moment when we run ahead of our parents or get lost in a crowd and turn around to find we are all alone. 

It is this same fear that the enemy tries to use against us. Through perversions of the same fear that G-d has instructed of us the enemy is able to put many back on the defense. Thus the fear we were instructed to hold, the only fear we were ever meant to have, is used against us. 

For others there is the fear of being cut off and surrounded. This fear arises often when we have already gone into battle against the enemy time and time again. We are given this fear through experiences from which we may not have learned the lessons G-d tried to show us. All we see is the supposed fact that our fellow faithful comrades dropped back and left us stranded. This is the fear of outrunning our supply lines, of being out gunned and out classed.

They surrounded me like bees; they went out like a fire among thorns; in the name of the L-rd I cut them off! I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the L-rd helped me.

~ Psalms 118:12-13

Yet G-d reminds us in Psalms 118:12-13 that wherever we go, not matter how contentious the battle, our S-vior is forever faithful. There is no point in our lives that G-d will ever forsake us or abandon us. It is only the deceiver who whispers these things in our ear. It is the enemy who tells us to give up and surrender our faith. 

It was in our L-rd's infinite wisdom that He instructed us to fear H-m and H-m alone. If we truly fear the L-rd we can fully trust that He will be with us. It is in this that we find our strength to endure. It is the fear of G-d that we find the ability to cast off the fears the enemy lays before us.

Doubt 

When we first are faced with the daunting reality of spiritual battle we can often become overwhelmed with doubts. In moments of adversity we begin to doubt our purpose in this battle. We begin to question why we ever set out to meet the enemy in the first place. It is in these moments that we are told the lie that it would be better to break and run than to endure the battle. 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the L-rd, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart. 

~Jeremiah 28:11-13

In battle doubt it deadly. It leaves us vulnerable on all flanks. We can neither retreat nor advance when we are overcome with doubt. In this aspect it leaves the combatant paralyzed. It is for this reason the enemy wields this weapon against us so readily. For we face an enemy that does not simply want to push us back and reclaim the ground or win the day, we face an enemy that seeks to destroy us entirely. 

Thus G-d persistently tries to reassure us of H-s faithfulness. In Jeremiah chapter 28 the L-rd boldly tells us that He (and He alone) knows the plans that have been made for us. In H-s love for us He has made a future for us filled with glory. And in H-s ever present grace, the L-rd has given us hope when we feel hopeless. 

The only thing G-d ask of us is that we seek H-m with all our heart and soul. It is through this that we will be able to cast aside our doubts and see the path that He has made for us. Through our dedication to the L-rd we have been given a way to persevere in the face of adversity. We can in this set aside our inadequacies and surrender our self-doubt. For our L-rd goes before us like a raging wind before the storm. 

Apathy 

Faith is much like a plant in many ways. It needs to be replenished by a living water. It must be given the light to grow. And when neglected it slowly dies, wilting leaf by leaf till all that is left is a weak and fragile shell of what once was. For this apathy in faith is much like the autumn... a slow decay of what spring had brought forth. 

When warriors of the L-rd are apathetic they loose their fighting edge. We tend not to realize that we are constantly engaged with a foe that never relents. While we let the decay set in the enemy waits. While our weapons rust and our defenses are cast aside, the enemy waits. It is when the vitality of our faith has decayed till it can be sustained no more that the enemy launches its blitz against the apathetic followers of the L-rd. 

In reality the lack of sustaining our faith comes from the lack of seeking G-d's presence in our lives. In doing this we barely even live a life on the defense but rather set out the battle all together. Without engaging our faith by maintaining our relationship with G-d we cheapen our own purpose in life. 

The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the L-rd lack no good thing. 

~Psalm 34:10

When we refuse to seek the L-rd we find ourselves hungry. Our spirit is filled with want and desire for the L-rd. It is in our very nature that we need G-d in our lives. Thus the root of just why apathy is so fatal to faith. Without G-d's presence, without the source of our lifeblood, we turn to other sources to fill the desperate desire that is left within our souls. 

For this the slow death of apathy takes us off the battlefield and places us in captivity. It chains us to cheap idols and sinful delights that last but for a season. For many it is often only when the pain of a spiritual death finally sets in that they realize just how far they have gone astray. And it is by this point that the enemy reinforces the suffering of apathy with doubt and fear. 

O G-d, you are my G-d; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 

~Psalm 63:1

If we are to live our lives on the offense we must first learn to overcome the snares of fear, doubt, and apathy. We must learn to seek our L-rd constantly and to follow where He leads us. We must be bold in our faith and learn to feed off the blessings of G-d. We must quench our thirst with H-s word and stifle our hunger with H-s fellowship. All of which the L-rd has promised H-s faithful if they will simply seek the L-rd with all their heart, mind, and soul. 

For those on the offense...

Let us not be weary for the L-rd our G-d is our strength, our savior, and our redeemer.

Hiding in Foxholes

When I look out upon the world I often can't help but see a barren landscape. Looking at the people I come across in my daily life I often see the a pain they can't shake, wounds that won't heal, and troubles that simply won't pass. I see it in the way they treat the people they don't know and then how they behave with those they do. In the defenses, the paranoia, and the through the facades they build I can see the scars of a life spent fighting off the vultures.

This is a part of life in what I call "no man's land" that I never have gotten use to. The pain that floats just beneath the surface is almost palpable. When I'm around a person with especially raw wounds the pain almost has that wretched scent of gangrene. It deteriorates the very nature of it's victim. It strips away the humanity and leaves nothing for its victim to replace their loss with. In the end they are more zombie like than anything else... barely alive and yet still going through the motions.

This is what the enemy does to people. It is a tormentor that knows no limits to what agony it can inflict upon it's victims. By delivering blows that the prey can't heal on their own the enemy makes wounded animals out of human beings. They know the pain is real, they can feel the suffering in their minds and bodies, yet the wounds can't be seen. This is the slow death the enemy offers to people.

Day after day I find my foxhole to duck into. Peeking over the filthy edge all I see is a broken world all around me. The dead and dieing walk all around me. Their numbed faces fake smiles as they pass one another. But the smell of infected wounds can't be hidden. And I should know, I have plenty of my own.

Setting in my foxhole I know I have a secret. Tucked under my shirt I have a cure for my own disease. From the pages of this weapon I find strength to endure. From these living words my wounds are healed. Setting in my foxhole I know I have something I can't hide.

Looking over the ledge of my foxhole I can see in the distance another head pop up over the ledge of a distant foxhole. Through the crowd of wounded souls I can spot another person just like me peeking out over this barren wasteland. And in an instant we both duck back down and out of sight.

I look over the ledge once again, this time in another direction. Again I see another person just like me peering out from yet another foxhole. And once more we make eye contact just before ducking back down and out of sight.

Day after day I have hid in my foxhole. I have watched wounded souls wander past without giving it much thought. I all honesty it just hurt to much to look at them. But now I realize I'm not alone. Looking out of my foxhole I can see the field around me is dotted with distant foxholes. Like gophers we peek out of our little comfort zones. Day after day I had hid in my foxhole... never noticing all of them.

I know I have a weapon, a tool, a cure... and suddenly I realize so do all of those other ones just like me... hid in their foxholes. So now all I can see is a world full of people just like me. Hiding in their foxholes they hold onto the living word as they duck down and out of sight. But why? Why do we hide in our foxholes?

Now when I look out upon this world I see a landscape dotted with foxholes. And all I can think of is what it would be like if we came up... over the top... into sight... word in hand... ready to fight.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

Surrounded By Hyenas

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the J-hovah El-him He it is that does go with you; He will not fail you, nor forsake you."

~ Deuteronomy 31:6

As believers in G-d we often picture ourselves as coming under attack when we meet resistance in our walk with the L-rd. We accredit this challenge to our faith to an enemy that is relentless in its attempts to lay siege to us personally. And though there might be some truth to this natural reaction there may also be more to the battles we face than we first realize. 

If we are truly living as G-d commands us to there will certainly be obstacles to overcome in our own lives. Habits that we form and the ways we might desire to conduct ourselves may be contradictory to the habits and lifestyle G-d's commandments lay out for us. Yet rarely do we consider this a part of some exterior force attempting to bombard us. It is mainly when we step outside our own walk with the L-rd that the enemy appears to attack. 

And that is where our liberation from sin begins to threaten the captivity of others. Once we begin to grow beyond our own personal relationship with G-d and begin to influence others (either directly or indirectly) we step out onto a field of battle. Most of the time, we do so without really knowing that we are. 

The enemy has laid claim to the very ground upon which we stand. Even more importantly it has claimed the lives of all that walk upon the earth for its own devious intentions. Just as it has been made miserable it too intends to inflict the same wretched bareness upon the ground and all living upon it. By doing so the enemy seeks to destroy the souls of its victims through the current captivity and eventually the eternal separation of that soul from G-d.

When the followers of G-d step out onto this territory they become invaders. Those who intentionally decide to stay become occupiers. And those who move further out into the enemies territory become conquerors. All of which must be dealt with. Their advance must be stopped and the occupation must be ended. For this is an enemy that can not and will not give an inch let alone bear to loose a captive soul. 

During the adolescence of a male lion the young male reaches a point where it must move on. The desire to claim new territory is inherit in the young lion. But most of all, the young male needs a pride... he needs an army of souls. 

There are only two ways a young lion can achieve the goal of forming a pride. He can either challenge and kill an existing male lion who has his own pride. Or he can set out and find a start a new one of his own. 

The second way of forming a pride is hard. A lion without a pride is doomed to starvation or at best a life on the brink of it. Hyenas and jackals rarely challenge a pride of lions openly and aggressively. Yet a lone lion is fair game even for the lowest of predators. The lone lion can't defend itself effectively. He is simply a loose end that nature finds a way to finish off. 

And yet G-d calls his followers to set out into the enemy's territory and form one pride after another. At times he even calls upon us to do so even when we feel like lone lions. Yet even as it appears the odds are stacked against us and the enemy is closing in from every angle, G-d prepares the field and snatches us from the jaws of defeat only to hand us the victory. 

These are the times when we shouldn't look at ourselves as the victims of siege but rather the aggressors routing the defenders and claiming new ground. For even when we least expect it, when we think that nobody is looking, we are often liberating the lives of fellow captives. By living as G-d has directed us to, we can set others free from the suffering to which we too were once bound. 

"The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them has the light shined."

~ Isaiah 9:2

Broken Arrow

"The J-hovah shall cause your enemies that rise up against you to be smitten before your face; they shall come out against you one way, and flee before you seven ways."

~ Deuteronomy 28:7

The Blessing of Obedience

I was once told by a very close friend that I'm a lot like a dog on a short leash, just tugging at the slack waiting for the M-ster to release H-s grip. At first that sounded rather nice. But the more I thought about it... well that was when the truth of the matter came to the surface. 

A hunting dog is eager to please the hunter. It wants more than anything to be able to let out that howl that signals his master to the object of his owner's fixation. Yet in this sense of duty there comes a time when even the best dog trees the wrong prey or corners an animal bigger and meaner than he alone can hold. While the dog wants to be obedient, even the best intentions can lead the dog astray. 

That is why I had to take a moment and think about what it really meant to be that hound tugging and jerking at my leash. Sure it was nice to think of myself as all those things that seem masculine and powerful... tenacity, bravery, fierce, bold, dedicated... It was another thing to have to think of myself as the less pleasant aspects of being that same animal... immature, over eager, rebellious, and at times... disobedient.

Once the dog's leash is dropped the hound takes up the hunt. Like a lightning bolt, the dog springs forth with his nose to the air and his muscles fueled by anticipation. That is what it often feels like when we set out to fulfill the commandments our G-d has laid out of us. We are so eager to fulfill our task... our mission... our job. 

Whenever and wherever the faithful set out to take to the field so as to please their master another beast rises up to meet them. The enemy of our G-d claims the soil, the land, and all that dwells upon it. It is only natural to them that they should defend it, and defend it mercilessly. But when we set out like the hound to the hunt we are often not even thinking about this. Instead we take off almost blind to the reality of what we are doing. We don't see the battle, we don't think about the war... we just want to complete our task.

In the field we meet them. Upon the field we are engaged in ways that we never expect. We are turned from the hounds of the hunt to the dogs of war. And in an instant we find ourselves surrounded. For the faithful this is a reality that is often overlooked by the young, the immature, the bold and brazen followers of a faith they have not yet fully come to understand. 

It is in this moment that we make decisions that will either win or lose the day. It is in the first moments of battle that we either decide to take up the role of conquers or simply hold the line. Once this moment has passed we can no longer decide to disengage or break off the chase. Once we have taken to the field there is no retreat. 

One decision seems to prevail more often than not. This is the decision to muscle our way through the fight. We take up our own shields and rely upon our own muscle. We don't realize that the enemy is a liar and hides from us the reality of what we are up against. When we advance upon our own might we are lured into a fight we alone can not win. By digging our own foxholes we often dig our own graves. 

We were never meant to fight alone. This decision is disobedient. It is a decision to chase after a scent that we were not sent out after. It is the lure that leads us astray. It is the best defense the enemy has.

"The J-hovah shall cause you to be smitten before your enemies; you shall go out one way against them, and flee seven ways before them; and shall be removed into all the kingdoms of the earth."

~ Deuteronomy 28:25

The Results of Disobedience 

Cut off, surrounded... 

In the Torah we are reminded that we do not fight against flesh and blood. We are told that we fight against the spirit of evil and the presence of darkness all around us. We are meant to be light onto the world. So when we attempt to take the L-ght out into the darkness it would seem natural that the darkness would flee before It. However when we go out unprepared or for our own glory we often find that the darkness is ready to fight back. 

But there is a way to find our way back to the L-ght without showing our backs to the enemy. There is a way off the battle field.

The immature dog will give a call that he has cornered his prey when he has not. The trained hunter will not respond till the dog has completed his job however. There is a difference in our tone when we are out doing the task G-d has given us and when we are simply pretending. Yet when the dog gives out a call for help, when the dog finally admits that he isn't able to fight the beast he has encountered, the M-ster always comes running. 

Once engaged the enemy will not relent. It is a merciless foe that knows our weaknesses and exploits them at every opportunity. The amazing part is just how long we are willing to fight these attacks all by ourselves before we are finally pushed to the point where we simply surrender. 

Some hunting dogs will give the call for help sooner than others. Some will come face to face with the meanest lion and still not back down. And tragically, some will never call for help.

All we have to do when we find ourselves here is fall down and surrender. Not to our enemy. Not the evil we have encountered. But to the Creat-r of life, the M-ster that sent us out to the field to work. We simply have to be prepared to admit when we are out matched and especially when we have gone off course. It is in these moments that G-d wants to teach us things we may never have learned without the fight... without the thrill of the hunt. After all, G-d pursues us far more eagerly as we pursue H-m. And He never wants us to be left upon the field alone and cut off. 

The greatest sense of obedience is the willingness to admit that we need H-m. We were always meant to need the warmth of the love our Abba bears for us. Even when the leash feels like it has been dropped, even when the thrill of the hunt has passed, we will always need H-s guidance... H-s mercy... H-s love.